I am not going to write much about this now, but since I have used this place to talk about some of the great experiences I have had this year, it only seems right to talk about the less good.
This week I have done the hardest thing ever; I have told hubby I am having an affair. I haven't told him about the kind of affair it is, but he knows that this year for the first time in our married life (28 years) I have been unfaithful.
I won't go into details about how it all came about, though I will probably write about it here in a few days as this is essentially my journal and I feel it might be an idea to write down what happened and how I feel.
Hubby is, as might be expected, devastated. He says he suspected something, but I am not sure he really did. He is both angry and as he describes it; broken hearted. I know that I have caused this in the search of my own happiness, and my own feelings about this are very complex. I know what, according to societies expectations of me, I should do. But I really don't want to do that. I don't want to give up on what I have found. I just don't know if I am going to be able to give hubby what he wants too.
If I was on any kind of journey before, I have just reached a cross roads. One which is so over grown it is impossible to see the signposts to tell you which way to go.
I am not looking for advice here, I am just laying out how things are right now.
I have not gone though, I am just working out what to do and what to say.
Wow. That is some news, Joolz! You are brave and courageous, and know that you can find the support to help you through these times with your readers.
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Tough situation, Joolz. Hope all works out for the best for you, your husband and your Sir. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteOh Joolz, I am so sorry to hear about the stress and heartache and emotional turmoil. I wish you wisdom and grace on your journey through the crossroads.
ReplyDeleteI would love to know what prompted you to tell your husband, if you feel like writing it down. Also, does your Sir know you told him? Sharing your feelings helps us all and we empathize with you, Joolz. I hope everything works out for the best.
ReplyDeletehugs, squirrel
Wow...I have only just read this. I can't help thinking that this is a good thing for you J. Painful for you and hub as this may be. You are courageous. This is possibly the most respectful thing you can do for your hub and for you. You have drawn a line in the sand. My heart is with you.
ReplyDeleteBig Hugs L xx
Thanks everyone, I will tell more in due course. xx
ReplyDeleteYou have certainly taken the bull by the horns here Joolz. You must be feeling bad about upsetting your husband, but good about coming clean. Personally, I think coming clean is the more important.
ReplyDeleteA man's reactions to his wife's admission of infidelity are written into the society's code of conduct. They are not absolute. English society presumes that reaction. Maybe it would have been easier for him if you had told him as soon as it even seemed possible you would hook up with another man? Have you previously expressed a wish to have another lover?
Unfortunately marriage is still regarded as a permanent affair (it was after all originally purely a dynastic and practical arrangement) but that is a hopelessly optimistic view. Some different arrangement must surely be made more in keeping with the vagaries of human sexual attraction. People have tried - polyamory for example; but the logistics of households and families are hard to reconcile with that. Plus both men and women have proven possessive and prone to jealousy when well-meaning efforts have been made to accommodate multiple spouses.
This is my third marriage. I am 82, and if I was 20 years younger I would certainly be casting around for a fourth wife. It's just human nature, and the differences between the sexes in this matter are not so great. We meet someone attractive, who perhaps seems to fulfil us in a way previously not achieved: we want to fuck them. Why not? - on the face of it...
"Being in love" is well known as a kind of madness, we all want to suffer from it, don't we! Plus the intense pleasure of a new skin to touch ... pretty well irresistible. This is the human condition. The human condition also includes suffering, and we don't go far without meeting it.
Does life with a new lover really have to preclude life with your husband? Think about it, Joolz. I don't know much about your circumstances, but if the idea appeals to you, talk about it with your husband when he has calmed down a bit.
Thanks Malcolm, I will certainly address some of your thoughts when I write a longer post about this over the weekend.
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