Time for action

Redundancy and then time off work has been great for my general wellbeing. I feel relaxed, my batteries recharged. It has done nothing for my weight.

This morning I decided to get back to my Wii work outs with Mel B. As I stood on the balance board, a message flashed across the screen - there is a marked difference in your weight since last time, are you sure you are J! Sadly, yes this is J, she is just heavier than she has ever been in her life.

I knew I had put on weight, my clothes (the ones that still fit) are tight. I am uncomfortable and while I have more energy because I am not tired, actually I know I am fat and unfit.

I have been eating too many bad things (e.g. cheese) and drinking too much (wine mainly). Spending the amount of time alone that I currently do, doesn't help.

Hubby remarked about my weight last night during a 'discussion'. I know he didn't mean to hurt me (not about that anyway), but he did. However he was right and I do need to do something about it.

Today, I have bitten the bullet and joined the online version of slimming world. I had good results in the past, but don't feel the need (yet), for group humiliation. I believe I can get myself into shape with a revised diet and a fitness programme.

Hubby suggested Sir must like me fat. I don't suppose he does, but he tends not to comment on these things. Plus he knows I have been under lots of stress and pressure at home. I bet though, that he would like to see me in that corset again, the one that is currently much much too small to do up!

I know its Thursday and traditionally we start these things on Monday. But when you realise you weigh more than you did when you gave birth, it is time for action. That is what I am going to try to do!

Update: Sir, can you help offer up any incentives for getting thinner and fitter?

Exciting times

Despite the mess that is my marriage, essentially I am having a really good time right now. I have discovered that with a bit of effort, good things can happen. Granted I have been helped along by my redundancy payment which I am mainly using wisely (though the odd bit of recklessness doesn't go amiss.

While on holiday, I was offered the opportunity to buy a small apartment in a French coastal resort. The deal is excellent and to be honest it offers a better use of the money I have available for investment. I will be able to rent it out and also it will be somewhere for all of the family to use for holidays. In about 5 or 6 weeks it should be mine and that will offer some great new opportunities.

I have now been offered some work, essentially 3 days per week for the next 3-4 months, plus there is some other work in the offing. Hopefully this will mean I can take another short break in the autumn, when I will definitely be going to France!

I went to look at cars on Saturday and came out of the show room the owner of a new car. I went with the intention of buying a car that was 2 years old, but what with 0% interest and some other enticements, the new one was too good to pass up. By the weekend I should have it and that will be lots of fun.

The kitchen planner came today, and my final large purchase will soon be on order. This is the first time, in 20 years in this house that we have had something like this done. The last kitchen was a DIY job, and was never actually quite finished. This will give me something I have always wanted, plus it will add to the value of the house. There is every chance we will need to sell in the next couple of years, given the state of my marriage, but meantime I am going to have something I really want.

I have a few trips to look forward to in the next few weeks - a night out seeing Robbie Williams in concert, a trip to Henley Regatta and then my son's graduation. New clothes are needed for the last two (the same new outfit for both), so I will need to get on with that pretty soon.

So while my life seems full of uncertainty when it comes to hubby and I there are lots of positives. Plus of course, I have my relationship with Sir. That is going really well and there is a lot to look forward to there too.

24 Hours

That is exactly how much time we had together this week. During that time there was time for sleep (approximately 7 or so), time for food and time to sit and watch a movie. But as well as that we went out for the whole afternoon to get us some countryside and culture and we spent a good deal of time in bed not asleep.

Because of Sir's work and my recent holiday, this was our first get together in around a month. i admit that i didn't realise how much i had missed him until i glimpsed the outline of his bottom as he stood in his kitchen washing up while i drank a welcome coffee. My journey had been long and involved much sitting in traffic. He greeted me with a kiss and some caresses, then coffee and toast.

A few minutes later i was free of my dress, wearing stockings and heels and my underwear. He stroked my clit very briefly, just that short caress requiring me to ask for my first (of many) orgasm. Then i was on my knees. Oh how i have come to love sucking that man's cock. Kneeling before him, my mouth full of his wonderful member, already dripping with cum myself was such a wonderful release from the stresses of both home and the journey.

Photo: Simply Black and White

A few minutes further along and i was knelt on his bed, receiving some painful, but beautiful and arousing swats from the riding crop. What a wonderful instrument that is for teasing, for swatting my bare body and for making me want more of His lovely cock. He didn't disappoint me (he never does). Firstly inside my pussy and then a little later the feel of him filling my arse. He was gentle, i pushed against him and he slid in. He moved slowly at first and then faster and a little more roughly. Then for a new position; him on his back, me sitting riding him, cock deep in my backside. As he stroked my clot, his cock deep inside me, i asked for (and was granted) another orgasm. A few minutes later, with me back on my knees He came and so, we lay together kissing and caressing.

But with just 24 hours together and a reasonable (warm but overcast) day outside, there was little time for sitting around. So after a light lunch, we headed off into the beautiful english countryside which Sir lives so close to and got us some history and culture. We visited an old house and watermill. We wandered the lovely gardens and the wider grounds. Given that it was a week day, and that the weather could have been a little more sunny, and given that the kids are still at school here in the UK, the place was reasonably quiet. Most visitors seemed to be in or around the house, which was a good thing since we found ourselves in a hut of the type found in the iron age. We kissed and he stroked inside my knickers. Then i sat on a bench and took his lovely cock in my mouth again, such a lovely mouth full. Out in the open, Sir spied a picnic table, and since we had no picnic with us we used it for another purpose. i bent over it and Sir slipped his cock back inside of my (or should i say his, since he owns it) arse. So so naughty, but wow just so wonderful in the outdoors like that. Moments later, we walked hand in hand and then drank tea and looked just like your average middle aged couple on an afternoon out.

Back at home, we ate dinner, watched TV and the movie, ate pudding and chatted. Then to bed for some more lovely sex. More orgasms, a perfect end to a perfect day.

In the morning, after breakfast there were kisses, some time to feel each other, some time for me to attend to his cock. To suck him in the way i love so much, to be his cock worshipping sub. Time for him to claim my pussy for one last time this visit and for me to be granted more orgasms.

24 hours doesn't seem like long. i guess it isn't and indeed if offered it i would take longer. But sometimes that is all that is needed. Happy sub, happy Master. Just perfect.

Letter to hubby

B,

On Sunday we have been married for 29 years. That is a lifetime - we have both been married for longer than we were single. We have had some great times, how ever would we have stayed together if we hadn't. Equally we have had some difficult moments, not least the present. This year there will be no cards, no romantic meals - not even the pretence that we are happily married. No we won't even see each other. Tomorrow you will tell me where you are off to for the weekend, personally I will find something useful to do; perhaps be with friends, who knows. Even though our marriage is on it's very last legs, I will not be with Sir (and wouldn't have been even if he hadn't been working).

Today, I saw you for the first time in over 2 weeks. You were too busy to take me to the airport, too busy to join me on holiday, too busy to be here on my return. Yesterday on fathers day, your son was sad you weren't here. Whether his failure to even text you was warranted, is between the two of you, after all, he is an adult now. It has been 7 months since I told you of my infidelity and 5 since the say I confirmed it by going off one Sunday to see my lover, leaving bereft at home. Since then we have not (as far as I can remember) spent one whole weekend together. You were away at Easter and even when I was away on holiday you spent few nights at home. You ask me to be patient with you. Say you don't want to lose me. But even when I have offered to give up Sir you tell me that since it will make me unhappy you do not wish me to.

Both Sir and the friend I was on holiday with say that I now need to take control of this situation, and I know they are right. I am allowing myself to be treated just as badly now as I was before this happened.  I know I have committed the worst sin possible within a marriage, and I have made no secret of this, but you did too. Granted it was many years ago, but the facts remain. You keep information from me - even tonight during the 30 minutes you were here having a shower and changing - refusing to tell me when you will be home, where you are going, where you stay, where your clothes are. You spend money recklessly and ask me for more. 

You say you can't give me what I need. Sexually, this is probably true. But even though I have offered to give this up you prefer to remain the martyr. If I am to be married, I need a husband, I need a loving relationship, I need to be cared for. You provide me with none of the above, yet you take all that you can. 

I am reaching the end. Despite the fact I have most recently broken our wedding vows, I am the one currently feeling most deceived, most cheated upon. I think that after Sunday I will be ready.

I am sorry it has come to this, but I think that we need to face facts. We need to stop pretending and you need to realise that this is about more than sex, even if that sex is of the kinky kind.

I still care for you B, but I no longer love you as a wife should, I no longer respect you. My feeling as I started this letter was anger, but now, it is sorrow.

J 

My first blog from France

It's great to be writing this on my balcony overlooking a harbour in France. I'd like to say that I have just come off of the beach after a day of sunbathing, but after a sunny start it clouded over.  It is far from cold though, and although I am wearing a sweatshirt I am not cold in shorts.  The change of scenery, peace and space is what I came here for and that is what I have.

This is a place filled with memories. I have been visiting this area of France for over 10 years. To begin with as a family, hubby, my son and always his cousin who is the same age. At age 10 they loved the safe, sandy beaches, the sandcastle s and holes in the sand that were dug. The castles they visited, the fact that they could have more freedom than at home.  More recently it has been hubby and me. We have strolled, walked purposefully, climbed hills and we have eaten the local delicacies and drank the wine and beer. It is hard to be here on my own, while at the same time since I know it well, it has been easy.

My friend, in whose apartment I am staying had welcomed me as she always does.  She has her own daughter and her family here, yet they have taken me into their lives. So I have had the fun of being with little children, as well as some solitude. I feel at peace here. Happy to just be. 

But this friend takes no nonsense. She has directly questioned me, smelt a huge rat! Within 10 minutes of everyone else taking off for the supermarket for supplies on Saturday, she had more information out of me than I have given to practically anyone else. Then yesterday, another day of less than great weather, she coerced me out to buy new furniture for her holiday properties and got even more. The only thing she doesn't know now is the kink. She only judges that I should never have told hubby the truth, that he would be less hurt by lies. But the truth is out and there is no going back on that. 

I have a friend from home arriving Saturday, so this trip will turn into something different again. I look forward to that. Meanwhile, I am getting some sense of life as a single woman, and you know it is not so bad.

I would like to be here with Sir, that  won't happen this time, maybe in the future there is a chance for new and different memories?

A meme from Hermione via Abby before I leave for 2 weeks R&R

Tomorrow I am off to France. I am staying in a town I know, in a holiday home I have been to with hubby (and with my son and nephew). We have had lots of holidays there, but this will be different. This time I am going on my own, and though I have a girlfriend joining me for a few days, mostly it will be just me. I have my friends and their family their to have fun with, but this will give me time and space. Hopefully the weather will be kind, I will be able to swim, walk, cycle, sunbathe, eat, drink and just be, in a safe place where I can think.

Meantime, I leave you with this meme that I got from Abby and she got from Hermione. I will post over the next couple of weeks if wifi permits, otherwise I am back on 15th June. 

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you  thought.  Ok so your got your hair cut, but make sure you pack the colour as you haven't had time for that yet!
2. How much cash do you have on you? I have been to the cash machine / ATM and have £50, £10 of which is for the window cleaner who came today! 

 3.Name a word that rhymes with door? More, as in I need more of Sir!)

 4.Name your favorite planet? I'm with abby on this, Earth of course! 

 5.Do you own more than 100 cd’s?  There are hundreds of CDs in this house; to have is to hold as it were....

 6.Have you ever finished a bag of popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom?  I rarely eat popcorn, but Sir has a popcorn making pan and when with him we ate it all, there was no junk at the bottom! 

 7.What kind of top are you wearing?  Something I don't want to take on holiday, white with brown and grey leave, it looks better than it sounds! 

 8.Have you ever labeled yourself? I believe I allow myself to be used by those close to me; submission would be a better option!

 9.Name the brand of shoes you are currently wearing? I don't wear shoes around the house

10.Bright or dark room? Brightish, you have to be able to see!

 11 .Have you ever been pooped on from the sky?  No, but hubby received one once when we were queuing to get into a theatre!

 12.What does your watch look like?  It has a white metal strap and square face, I like it a lot

 13.What were you doing at midnight last nite?  I was discussing future options with hubby, sadly no resolution as yet.

14. Have you ever dated someone a decade older than you?  no
15. Have you ever listened to a song and cried? Yes, more often recently, I am getting emotional in my old age!
16. Who last told you he/she loved you? hubby, he told me this afternoon - rhetoric / reality springs to mind though!
17. What was the last furry thing you touched? There are a number of cuddly toys in the spare room, they belonged to my son when he was little. I touched the teddy yesterday. I wonder what to do with them?
18. How many drugs have you taken within the last three days? I have taken no drugs other than the gin and tonic I had tonight! 
19. Favorite age so far? This one probably. Even though it is scary to be in this position, I am having the best time! 
20. Have you ever had a secret crush on a teacher?  Not that I remember, no  
21. What was the last thing you said to someone? Try him on his mobile! Someone ringing to speak to hubby! 
22. Have you ever been found sleep walking?  no
23. What was the last song you sang? Can't remember, but sang along to song on radio on way home this afternoon.
24. What’s your favorite number? Would it be terrible to say I don't have one, though prefer odd numbers!
25. Where did you live in 1987? In the town in which I now live - been here since 1984.
26. What do you do when the vending machines eats your money? swear, kick it and probably walk away! 
27. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed? closed, but usually sneak a peek!
28. What was the last song you heard?  The same one above that I sang along to.
29. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?  French as I go there lots. 
30. Have you ever seen a ghost? No, but I would like to!
31. When was the last time you ever wrote a letter to someone and mailed it? Can't remember, but should do that soon! 
32. Can you change the oil in a car? Isn't that what men are for?
33. How far back do you know about your ancestry?  3 or 4 generations, we are from the working classes.
34. When showering do you start the water and then get it, or get in and then start the water? I don't get in until the water is the right temperature
35. Have you ever crashed a car? Nothing serious but yes 
36. Does every family have a crazy relative? I have several, so yes!
37. Have you ever sent or made a crank call? No
38. How old do you look? Hard to say, but hopefully not as old as I am (stole the answer from Abby)
39. Should guys wear pink?  Men look good in pink so why not?
40. Have you ever done anything for which you could be arrested?  no

Finishing up the 30 days about me (27-30)

These have been hanging around for far too long so here goes - 27 to 30:

A favourite restaurant

I don't have a particular favourite, but like to eat out. My favourite kind of restaurant would be one that is not part of a chain, and one where they cook all their own food. By saying that, you can see what I am saying, all too many places these days seem to buy their food in already prepared. I can use a microwave at home, I don't need to pay over the odds for this kind of food. 

My favourite type of food would be maybe Thai or Chinese (Sir and I had a lovely Thai meal when we were away for the weekend recently), or maybe a good quality Italian meal. I rarely eat pizza, but when away on holiday I like to treat myself. There is a lovely pizza restaurant where I holiday in France, and since I am going there on Saturday, I will be partaking of that treat soon.

There is a restaurant close to Sir's house that he keeps threatening us to try. Every time we try to go there though it is closed or full! Sometime soon I hope to be able to review that place!

A skill I’d like to learn

I would love to be able to speak French more fluently. I learnt French at school, and have visited often, but the kind of French you need at school and the kind you need to have a useful conversation on holiday are two things. I have more time now, so really I have no excuse. I have no real problem in saying things, but then get into a mini panic when the person I have spoken to, replies and I struggle to understand exactly what they have said. The ability to hold a conversation in French, that's the skill I would like to have!

Something I could never tire of

Spending time with Sir. That is something I don't get nearly enough of and can't really tire of. Especially the times when he has me in the position he wants me and is using me in whatever way he wants. I have particularly found that I like to suck him, something of a revelation since it wasn't my favourite thing in the past. Now, I love the smell, taste and feel of Him inside my mouth. Particularly as his lovely cock starts to grow even bigger as I suck. It is an amazing feeling and something I am definitely not going to get tired of.

Three wonderful things that have happened in my life

The first has to be the birth of my son and the time since. He is about to graduate from University, and I am immensely proud of all he has achieved. Yesterday, I was looking at a photo of him aged about 5 looking so young and innocent, sitting cross legged in shorts and tee shirt and sun hat. Then I think of him now, revising for his final exam for his degree and wonder where the time has gone. What has returned now he has grown up is the affection for me that he hid during his teenage years. He gives a great hug these days and that is special.

Secondly the opportunity to be a nurse. My career as a nurse has shaped my life and made me the adult I am. Even though I haven't looked after any actual patients for about 10 years, all my work since then has been influenced by the knowledge and skills I learnt as a nurse.  It is something I am proud of.

Thirdly, has been meeting Sir and the other people I have met in learning about and discovering this more kinky lifestyle. I didn't know what was missing from my life. But now I have kink and I have such wonderful friends (plus a wonderful Master) I feel really happy and fulfilled. That is what gets me through the more difficult times here at home. Long may it continue!

Thoughts and feelings - More Questions than answers

It would be true to say that I feel really mixed up right now. On the one hand, I have spent two nights and a lovely whole day with my Sir and had the best time. Just spending time together, chatting about random things, visiting places together has become a way of unwinding. The sex is a good as ever, sometimes kinky and sometimes less so; we like the variety. On the other hand, though, I am questioning my actions and the implications of them. I am also analysing the feelings I have for hubby and those for Sir.

I know that I really am at the crossroads to the rest of my life now. What is more, hubby is at his own crossroads.

I have been married to him for a long time, 29 years next month. It now feels unlikely we will reach 30. The problem (other than the obvious), is that while I care for this man very much, love him even, I don't find him sexually attractive. For months now, we have danced around this. Hubby is intensely jealous of the relationship I have with Sir (stating the obvious again), because I am willing to do things with Sir that I would never consider with hubby. He is of the belief that it is all about size, and while maybe (as they say) size matters, it most definitely isn't even a small amount of the issue.

I am not aroused by the things hubby does to me, I don't know when that stopped but it has. Whereas I am very aroused by the things I do with Sir, whether that is kissing, being touched or more recently sucking him. I was never a fan of doing that with hubby, and it was one of the things I was more nervous of doing for Sir. But now, it is something I love doing for Him.

Hubby never really learnt to touch me in a way I found arousing and for some reason I struggled to show him. With Sir, he explored, I expressed my pleasure and before I knew where I was I was asking to orgasm. Hubby complains that I have not ever told him what I want and what I like. Truth is, I didn't even know what I wanted or liked until the past few months. Quite a confession for a woman of 50.

How then, can we continue a relationship where the attraction is not felt on both sides?

Last night hubby spoke a couple of times about us getting a new spare bed, and him sleeping there when he is home. Unless we sell our house, he can't afford to move out and we aren't yet ready to do this, for lots of reasons. It is hard to face the reality of the impending end of a relationship, particularly one that has gone on for so long.

In hindsight, I should have ended the marriage before I embarked on something new. But hindsight is all well and good. Soon I will have to tell people the reality of what I have done and that will be difficult.

Hubby wonders why I am not seeking to spend much more time with Sir. Perhaps in the future I might, though in truth I am confused about what we have together too. I don't really know where this relationship is going, and actually whether it matters. I don't know how he feels about me, but again does it matter, since he is there for me when I need him and vice versa.

For a woman of mature years I seem to know very little for sure. What seems clear though, is that there are more questions than answers right now.

30 days about me - 24, 25 and 26

Not long to go now before I manage to reach 30. A mixture today.

24.   Something that makes me smile

There is something about the innocence of childhood that is just so joyous and there is nothing like memories of your own children, the things they say and do that remind you of that. Something that makes me smile is looking at photos of my now grown up son and remembering happy moments, thinking of the wonderful things he has said and done. Recently, when preparing to leave my job, I found a whole set of holiday photos from 2003 on my personal drive at work. I don't remember how they got there, and I had assumed they were lost (when did we stop printing?) The photos were of a holiday to France which included hubby, myself and son as well as my parents, niece and nephew. Son and nephew were 12 and niece 10, they all still have that look of being children. My parents look fit and well (something neither are now unfortunately). It was lovely to remember day after day of sunny weather, trips to the beach where the boys loved to dig holes in the sand and bury each other and my niece. There were days where we swam in lakes or visited castles. There were evenings in various restaurants. Lovely memories and photos that brought a smile to my face.

25.   The contents of my purse

In the UK a purse means the thing you keep your money and cards in, but I take purse in this context to mean my bag. Generally I favour something reasonably small so that it is not heavy and I am not tempted to fill it too much. I have different bags depending on what I am wearing or the time of year. By changing often I try not to carry too much around. Generally though I will have my purse (the one for money), keys, phone, hair brush, lipstick, lip balm and tissues. If I am travelling somewhere then I will usually have my kindle with me. There are usually a number of receipts from various purchases, but otherwise not too  much. 

26.   Something I’m looking forward to

The thing I look forward to most right now is the time I can get to spend with my Sir. Obviously I look forward to other things too, but most of all seeing Him. I don't have to wait long either as I am seeing him tomorrow and I am staying for a couple of nights. That is lots to look forward to!

The post where I ramble on about something and nothing

In lots of ways I have so much to be happy about, thankful about. I have a lovely Master who takes good care of me, someone who is there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or need a good talking to. At the same time, I have a husband who, while not exactly coping well with what is happening with Sir continues to care about me. I have family and I have friends. I have a payout from work which means that I have been able to invest for my pension and have enough left to take a short career break, go on holiday and get a new kitchen. 

All of the above must mean that I am grateful for everything I have and am going around with a great big grin on my face? Not a bit of it.

For a reason that I can't quite identify I feel tired and weary, everything is a bit of an effort. All of this might be linked to something which I think is happening in my body. Can I mention the m word? Apart from the 8 months of my pregnancy and a few months afterwards my cycle has been sickeningly (and reassuringly) regular. I am like a text book (28 days give or take a day). Since March though, nothing. Intermittently I feel like I am premenstrual but then nothing happens. 

PMS has been a feature of my life for such a long time. Essentially a week when I become irritable (well more irritable than I previously was), crave food (the worse for you the better), bloated - you know the kind of thing. On the day before my period, I usually get a feeling of impending doom and can fly off the handle at the simplest thing. Within a day or two, the feeling leaves me and it is just a case of getting through the bleeding part until next time. 

For the last couple of months though I have experienced some of the PMS symptoms and feelings, but nothing has happened. 

Last night, having not heard from Sir for several days, with no prospect of getting together with him insight I emailed him to say I was feeling neglected. At the same time I had hubby here, doing his best to wind me up by asking for information so he could assess the extent to my relationship with sir. I kept my calm but inside wanted to run away, to be with Sir if I had a choice.

I love to submit to Sir, to do as he tells me, to be there to use as He wishes.

I also like to be in control, of my body and of my feelings. An episode of PMS that seems to go on and on without a bleed is not something I am liking. 

But I am not someone to wallow so despite the fact that I feel that I could lie in bed and read, surf the net reading blogs etc and generally slob about, I am trying to be proactive. Yesterday, inspired by Miss Constance's recent gardening blog posts, I got outside on a beautiful spring day and did loads of weeding and cut the grass. Today I am off out with friends for a facial and then tea and cake. I might not feel like it but I am going to be proactive and I am going to be positive. Yes really, I am.....