Time to reflect

It's been about 10 days since S told me that he was ready to move on. During that time I have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on our relationship together, but also about what I might want in the future.

While we were chatting on Skype that evening, he said he hoped I met someone; that I deserved to be happy. I told him that evening that I wasn't in any hurry, instead I need to sort my life out.

I do need to do that, but actually I would like to think about a future relationship and what I might look for in that context. For the past few evenings hubby has been home - the longest time we have spent together since well before Christmas. The gulf between us shouted at me - in terms of the way we communicate and the way in which we want to spend our time. When he is home I restrict my time online, and we generally sit in the same room watching tv, eating dinner and speaking about neutral issues. This week, I have had lots of time to think about my life and what the future might hold.

I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time. I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have.

I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused.

I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control.

In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted.

I know what I want, indeed what I NEED. The question is, how to I get it?

Picture from Simply Black and White

The end

This time for good.

When S and I resumed our relationship last August, it was always likely to be a temporary thing. A friends with benefits kind of arrangement was what we agreed. During that time we have made the most of that dynamic and things have been good. But I was always aware that he was looking for a long term relationship and that he felt that I was not the one for that (I am inclined to agree with that assessment, though at times let my emotions get the better of me).

However I was not quite expecting him to find that special person so soon after our New Year together. Hell I hadn't even told my blog the funny parts of that trip, nor had I expressed anything about the difficult phone call I had with my husband and the lies I told him.

But, apparently he has met someone and he thinks that she is going to be 'the one' for him. I want him to be happy, and from the sound of things, she may well be able to do that for him.

So that is it for us.

I felt a bit odd for a day or two, but only really in that I am sad that I won't be having any more times like New Year with S. I like the kink with him and I had slipped back into enjoying the excitement and thrill of that.

He says he hopes I meet someone else, that I deserve to be happy.

Of course I do and sometime maybe that will happen. Not right now though.

Right now, I need to sort out the mess of my long term relationship and get myself into a position where I can have a relationship with whom I want, when I want and on the terms I want.

Its over with S but it doesn't feel like the complete end of anything.

If anything it is the beginning of a new phase - well that's what I am hoping anyway!

Meme of 2013

Got this from both Abby at Finally finding me and Fiona from Sir Q and me:

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

    I Was made redundant - it opened up a host of possibilities though 

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

    No, I weigh more not less than this time last year. Trying again though

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 

    No, but my niece has just announced she is expecting a baby this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?  

    No thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit? 

    France and Italy - both beautiful

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? 

   The confidence to do what I know I must

7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 

    31st March when I was made redundant and August 1st when I became the owner of a french apartment 

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

    Staying sane while everything around me seemed to go wrong

9. What was your biggest failure?

   To resolve the issues with my hubby

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

   No I have remained healthy, thankfully

11. What was the best thing you bought? 

    My lovely new kitchen

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

   My son graduated with a first class honours degree. He has been a complete star this year

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 

    Hubby's - he is self absorbed and childish for too much of the time

14. Where did most of your money go?

    The kitchen - worth it though!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 

   Seeing Robbie Williams at Wembley, my new car and the kitchen 

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?

    Probably The Cave, Mumford and Sons - I played both their albums a lot when I drove to visit S this year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? 

   Happier - no redundancy hanging over me and I am clearer about what I want - just got to work out how to get it

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 

    Been able to see S

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? 

    Worried about the state of my marriage

20. How did you spend Christmas? 

    With my parents and son

21. Did you fall in love in 2013? 

  No, but I loved and was loved

22. What was your favorite TV program?

   I haven't watched masses of TV this year, but enjoyed Broadchurch, a murder mystery series set in a beautiful part of England

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? 

    I don't really hate anyone

24. What was the best book you read?

    I have read lots of books this year, more time, more travel etc. A favourite would be The woman he loved before by Dorothy Koomson, a great novel and also A journey from lost to found by Cheryl Strayed about walking the pacific crest trail

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? 

  Nothing particular this year

26. What did you want and get? 

  A new kitchen :) 

27. What did you want and not get? 

  A job at the beginning of the year; I have one now though

28. What was your favorite film of this year? 

   I really enjoyed Lincoln

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 

  I went out for a meal in France, I was and still am 51

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

  Spending more time with S  

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?

  Improved - I have a bit more money now

32. What kept you sane? 

   Friends

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 

   Can't say I did

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

  I am just irritated by this governments inability to understand how real people have to live  

35. Who did you miss? 

   S, particularly for a difficult month around July / August when we weren't together 

36. Who was the best new person you met?   

  My new boss probably  

37. What is a valuable lesson you learned in 2013?  

  To believe in yourself and in your decisions

One to remember

After a Christmas, that in many ways I would like to forget, New Year was something different. Entirely different.

My New Year was spent with the lovely S, and he was pretty keen to make it something special for us both. Special and very different.

He had been working, and I had travelled down during the late afternoon. I arrived shortly after he got in. With no special plans we decided on a quiet evening, the two of us - with food, wine and some kinky sex.

A lot of kinky sex.

For this evening S was once again my Master, in a way he has not really been since the summer. I wore  stockings and heels as usual, but tonight I wore my collar once more. I had my nipples clamped. I was cuffed. I had my panties stuffed into my mouth. I was spanked with both his hand and the riding crop. I was made to lick his ass and balls and then I was allowed to suck his cock. He made me sit on his face and then he gave me the most amazing set of orgasms. I think that was most of part one.

Part 2 was later in the evening, and involved a little more wine and sex on the sofa, or with me knelt on it and then over it. The whole thing is something of a blur.

As midnight approached we cuddled up sipping sparkling wine. He announced that he wanted us upstairs having sex when midnight arrived. Knowing that my family would start to contact me at midnight, I was forced to switch off my phone.

So at midnight, my Sir had his cock inside my backside. He was owning me and I was definitely his slut. Which of course I told him - at his request.

For both of us it was the perfect end to the year and a wonderful way to start the next.

It was definitely one for us both to remember.

Happy New Year to you all.