Never say never

The weekend went well.

There was no guarantee it would, but it did. 

I was tentative as I arrived and he seemed as nervous around me as I was around him. Neither of us knew whether it would be the same.

In one way it was quite different. Neither of us took our D/s roles for granted. Indeed if anything he wanted me to take something of a dominant role to begin with. He wanted to please me and he wanted me to tell him how angry I was with him, to tell him how much of a bastard I thought he was. Trouble is, when you are sitting on someones face while they lick you, and turn you on more than you have been turned on in a month, it is hard to hate them. Especially when that someone is a man who you still desire, much as you would like to pretend otherwise.

The scene we played out at that point was that I was no longer any one's slut, let alone his and it was his mission to turn me on so much, make me so wild with desire that I would revert. As I said to him, I couldn't even play hard to get, since I wanted his cock so much! I didn't call him Sir, not then. The sex was kinky, but there was no overt declaration of our roles. We both took what we needed from each other and that was enough.

The rest of the day was just fun. There was lunch, then a trip out for a walk, trip to a local museum and a new hobby of geocaching which he has just taken up and a bug for which he has now infected me with. Then in the evening dinner, a couple of films and just generally being together.

I knew we needed to talk about what had happened, but was happy to wait until the following morning, after breakfast.

Things in the new relationship did not go to plan, he is sorry he hurt me, I am sorry he hurt me, but also I expressed my surprise at the extent to which I was so affected by our break up. We talked through some of the reasons for that (I will try to put some of it into my journey page some time soon) and then we moved on to getting some pleasure from each other's bodies.

What I can say is that we still turn each other on. He still knows how to touch me, how to kiss me and just where to put his tongue for maximum pleasure. I worshipped his wonderful cock and my reward was having him put it wherever he wanted. I guess that was his reward too. Plus I admitted he was still my Master and there is very little else to say about the matter here and now.

They say never go back. I am not sure I have done that because it feels a bit different. Anyway, I think I would say never say you will never return because you might just miss out on something good.

Thoughts

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to call by and comment after my last post. You know, it is really amazing to have such support from people who I know only through this and your own blogs.

A good friend sent me some words from a couple of verses yesterday which rang true for both of us. Me because of all that has happened in the last month and what I am about to do this weekend and her because of a couple of life events that have happened to another friend of hers. The first is from a birthday card (not sure where she buys her birthday cards, but I need to get down there).

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. 

So throw off the bowlines. 

Sail away from the safe harbour

Catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore.

Dream.

Discover.

And the second:

It isn't the things you do dear; 

It's the things you leave undone,

That give you a bit of heartache

At the setting of the sun...

These words are by Margaret Sangster, from the Sin of Omission. I googled it and this is the full version:

"The Sin Of Omission"

by Margaret Sangster

It isn't the thing you do, dear;
It's the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you a bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun.
The tender word forgotten,
The letter you did not write,
The flower you might have sent, dear,
Are your haunting ghosts to-night.

The stone you might have lifted
Out of brother's way,
The bit of heartsome counsel
You were hurried too much to say;
The loving touch of the hand, dear,
The gentle and winsome tone,
That you had no time nor thought for,
With troubles enough of your own.

The little acts of kindness,
So easily out of mind;
Those chances to be angels
Which every one may find
They come in night and silence
Each chill, reproachful wraith
When hope is faint and flagging
And a blight has dropped on faith.

For life is all too short, dear,
And sorrow is all too great;
To suffer our great compassion
That tarries until too late;
And it's not the thing you do, dear,
It's the thing you leave undone,
Which gives you the bit of heartache
At the setting of the sun.

These words help me understand some of the things I do, need to do and why I am going to see S tomorrow. 

I intend to have a good time, to enjoy what I have. I don't know what the future holds, but I don't think that I will stop me living in this moment. 

New page

That is how it feels.

Perhaps writing my last post, about how lost I was feeling was significant. Maybe it made me turn some kind of corner and to decide what I want to do next.

My decision might surprise some people; it certainly surprises me.

I said there is no going back, and to some extent that's true. I will never again experience the freedom of thinking that whatever He tells me about his commitment to me, that actually he has no better offer. I will never be so naive as to believe that just because we have had sex today, I couldn't be told He is ready to move on. I bear the emotional scars of trusting too much, of believing that I wasn't emotionally involved when clearly I was.

But, it is not over, not completely.

I am going back.

I don't know if this will be a one off, going back or if it will be longer term.

Strange as it may seem, I still trust Him. He did what he thought was right, even if it turned out to be premature. I found out a lot about myself, certainly that I cared for Him more than I believed. I have been irritated by that, since I thought that I could take or leave what He was offering. Even taking account of the fact that I misjudged what was on offer.

I have discovered that I have needs I previously didn't know about. I have also confirmed that I can't just have those needs satisfied by anyone I meet (lovely as they may be).

He is free this weekend, he is unattached again.

I am free this weekend and as attached / un attached as I ever was.

What will happen when we meet, I don't know.

Things will be different from before, but how different I don't know until it has happened.

I am following my heart, but also doing what my head says is right for now.

Only time will tell whether my instincts are right!

Lost

I think it might be true to say I have lost my way a little here. I am struggling to move on, to work out how to get through the mess that is my life right now.

Well of course my life doesn't seem to be a mess to those around me. People tell me I have a great opportunity to be happy, to do exactly as I want. This of course, is what I wanted (hubby loves to tell me that).  I have a new job, which is going to be great, I know. I am excited about my employment prospects and potential earnings. I am excited about the new apartment in France, though wish I could be there more than I will be able to due to work (not enough days in the week).

Things with hubby are just the same, truth be told. He is away more than he is here, but I seem to lack the will / ability / nerve to tell him to leave permanently. I am frightened of upsetting the status quo on that one. We have been together for so very long it is hard to do things without consulting with him and at the same time he wants the contact from me. I need someone to discuss things with, and to be honest there isn't anyone else. I have friends, some very good ones, but I don't think that I want to use them as my daily sounding board.

I know what I need, I need a Sir. I need a man who can help me make sense of my life and who can take control. There are one or two people out there who would probably take up that mantle, if I let them. But to be truthful it is not them I want.

I would like some good sex, kinky or not (preferably the former), and I would happily submit. Trouble is I can't do that with just anyone, there has to be a connection of the right kind. As a woman who has in truth been with only two men in all of my 51 years, I am not about to go off and find just anyone!

I know I will get over the hurt I still feel. I know there is no going back, but it is really hard to know how to make that happen and quickly. Especially as it seems that He doesn't actually have anyone else anymore. I guess I should feel glad that it didn't last, and in a way I am, but actually I would like to see him happy. And me, I want to be happy too, but I really am lost right now!