30 Days of Submission - Day 30

Is your need to submit being met? If not, or if your situation changed, do you think that you could continue in your life and still be happy/content if you were never able to express your submission in the way that feels best to you again? What makes submission special to you?

Well finally i have reached day 30, who would imagine 30 days would be such a long time (I started this in August!) Considering the events of the past 10 days or so, it is fitting that i should be answering this question now. This is because this is just what i face. The change in my situation that could easily happen would probably lead me to be without the submission i crave. Just now, i cannot contemplate that happening.

If anyone had told me at the beginning of this year that i would want to kneel before a man, and put my body at his disposal, i would have told them they were mad. But it is kneeling before him or indeed bending over for him so he can spank me, feel me, fuck me, do with me what he wants, that has made me feel like a real person at last. Faced now with the possibility that i could be forced to give all this up is something i cannot bear. 

i have thought lots over the months and especially this past week, about what makes submission special. for me i think it is about giving all of myself to another. It is about being prepared to place myself in His hands, at his will and mercy. Then it is the feelings that this submission creates inside of me. Being tied up, wearing his collar, being spanked, being told to keep my legs open, being humiliated; all of those things make me overwhelmed with submissive feelings. 

i know that i can't do this with just anyone. i feel blessed to have met Sir and to have found my submission with Him. What i feel for him is very special and i think he knows that. i trust him and can't wait to submit to him again very soon.

Photo Source: Badlittlemiss


 

Permission - of sorts

It is now 7 days since i took the bull by the horns and came clean. i know it was the right thing to do, and at the time i definitely felt the burden lift from me. As i sit here now (i have a late start this morning and am still in bed), i am feeling quite light hearted. This is helped by the fact that i had an almost complete nights sleep last night. i must say i had forgotten how important sleep is until you don't get much of it! Telling people really helps though, even though you can't know the response from anyone until you have spoken the words. I feel really blessed that a few people know about Sir and i now. This includes a close colleague from work who i told on Monday even before i told hubby, my lunch friend and a new female friend from Fetlife who i haven't met yet but i know i will sometime soon.

There have been many times over the last week when i have thought about the fact that  i could make my life so much easier if i gave up Sir. But i am continually drawn to the knowledge that i really won't be happy that way. i know deep inside me that without my kink i will quickly become the most miserable person on earth. It took me a long time to be brave enough to start on this journey and i am pretty sure i am not ready to give it up yet (if ever). i have written many times about the whole voyage of discovery i have been on this year and how much it has shown me about myself.

i have been clear with hubby that i want to continue to see Sir. He is kind of accepting this (though of course he doesn't like it or want it to happen), and sort of gives his permission. He knows no details and i am keeping it like that. i have arranged to go to Sir's on Sunday and to stay overnight. I am really really happy about this and can't wait.

On the other hand, i know the next few days will be difficult. This isn't what he wants and he isn't about to make my life easy over the next few days. i am however going to focus on two things. Firstly on helping hubby come to terms with what has happened and in trying really hard to be the kind of wife he thinks he wants. Secondly i am thinking about how things will be with Sir (it will have been a month since our last meeting). i am thinking again about my submission and worshiping Him. He is my Master and right now that is what is keeping me going.

Staying at the Crossroads Motel

I was lying in bed over the weekend thinking about this post, and although I didn't really work out what to say, I did come up with the title. Crossroads was a soap series in the 70's which was so cheaply made and acted by such second rate actors it was almost good. It was about the staff at a Motel called ......... well I am sure you can guess.

I chatted to Sir on Friday night and we agreed that as mentioned in my last post, I am at a crossroads. I am now faced with some of the biggest decisions I have ever even had to consider in my life. I am taking things one day at a time.

This is how I arrived here:

On Monday, I went out for lunch with a male friend. He is someone I met on Fetlife, and who I have developed a friendship with. He lives quite close, and he has kindly treated me to lunch 2 or 3 times. I hadn't told hubby about him, hell I hadn't even told Sir. It is a friendship and we chat about all kinds of stuff, kink included. After lunch, when I was back in work, I emailed him to say thanks. He replied to say that I was welcome. The email was innocent enough. I worked late on a report that took up much of  my working week this week. I didn't know I had left my ipod logged into Gmail, and I didn't know hubby would read the email. But I had and he did.

Hubby accused me immediately of having an affair with my friend. I reassured him that it was lunch, but I found it impossible to actually say that I wasn't having an affair at all. Of course that is what I have been doing. So after a night without much sleep, I discussed with Sir what I should do and we agreed that honesty would be a good idea. Right now, his comment "how much worse can telling the truth be" keeps ringing in my head. The answer has of course been much, much worse. I guess though this is nothing I don't deserve.

During the original conversation on Monday, while backed into a corner, I said something very unkind to hubby, essentially telling him that I no longer found him sexually arousing. This of course is the thing that plays in his mind. But actually this is a reality that he has known for a long time and it is really what led me on this course in the first place. That and discovering the submissive and kinky side to me that I now know I crave.

I can't and won't go into details about what happened during this weekend. Some of it will live with me without writing it here and the rest is best forgotten. I know how much hurt I have caused, I know how I have made him feel, I know he is one minute angry, the next devastated, I know he feels guilty as he feels he drove me to this because of his own infidelity some years ago.

I am now faced with three choices as I see it - A) I stay with hubby and I give up Sir, B) I leave hubby and C) I stay with hubby and keep Sir.

At the moment my desire to submit to Sir and lack of desire to walk away from my marriage coupled with a lack of a place to go mean I have asked hubby for option C. He is less than happy,  but says he won't stop me.

I can't and won't talk about the kinky side with hubby. I don't believe he will understand. I am pretty sure any dominance he could display would be transient and actually he may be quite submissive himself.

One thing is for sure, this is one hell of a mess!

Liebster Award

My week hasn't really panned out the way I expected so I am a bit late to the Liebster Award party. Thanks though to Fiona at SirQsmlb who nominated me, I really appreciate it and the kind words she said about my blog in her nomination. Blogging has proved for many of us to be our saving grace, a place to come and express ourselves in a way that is difficult even with our own loved ones. Our blogs are a place to be ourselves. That has certainly been true for me. I will write much much more about the events of this week, but for now I am grateful that I am able to use this award post to be a little more light hearted. So here goes:

The rules of this award:

• When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
• Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
• One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
• One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one’s own blog!
• One pastes the award picture into one’s blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!) 

Since I am really late and since my brain is not fully functioning, I am not sticking to the rules, instead I am going to give you my random facts and answer Fiona's questions but not nominate anyone else - most people seem to have already participated.

11 Random facts about me (I hope I haven't said these ones before)!

1. My parents are both only children and I have one child myself (I am not an only child though)
2. I left home at 18 to become a nurse. Sadly the lovely old hospital where I trained as a nurse has been knocked down. There are some very sad pictures on facebook to prove it
3. My favourite nursing job was when I looked after patients with rheumatoid arthritis; I was a specialist nurse. The workload overwhelmed me in the end and when I left they replaced me with 2 people!
4. My son spent a year studying in the US and this time last year he was staying with a friend and his family in LA. I am grateful that they made his time there so special (thought I would throw in a Thanksgiving reference)
5. I love food much too much, and am very bad at leaving food when full  - probably caused by my mum making us eat everything on our plates before we could get down from the table!
6. I love to walk and be near the sea. I love that Sir lives near the sea (though there are other reasons I like to be with him)
7. I find the idea of sex outside exhilarating and I haven't been disappointed
8. I am not a great movie buff, I do enjoy a good film, but one of my problems is I have trouble recalling what a film was called or what happened in it quite soon afterwards!
9. I love Christmas day, and still find it difficult to sleep the night before. I love the smell of turkey cooking, I love wrapping presents while listening to Christmas music; I just love it
10. I love to be with people, but I really need my own space. My son is the same.
11. I like playing board games, and miss the times when we used to play games when my son was younger. He was a terrible loser at times. Now they are reserved for Christmas time - another reason to love it!

Now the questions from Fiona:

1.  What's your favourite implement for spanking? - We haven't tried all that many so far, but probably his hand. I am still waiting for that riding crop!

2.  What is your favourite dessert? - I love lemon, probably lemon meringue pie

3.  What's your favourite toy in your arsenal? - Nipple clamps; they just turn me to mush!

4.  What is your favourite sport (whether to play or watch)? - I was never very good at playing sport, but I do like to watch. This year I particularly loved the Olympics especially the athletics. I also liked watching the cycling as it reminds me of Sir.

5.  City life or country life? - Country would be my choice, though by the sea would be even better!

6.  What's your favourite pair of shoes? - My black fuck me heels at present, but my new suede boots are pretty good too; Sir likes both!

7.  Are you with a significant other?  If so, for how long? - yes 28 years

8.  Swallow, spit or pull out?  (either you do or have your partner do) - Pull out, though I will do whatever He wants!

9.  What would your motto be? - Live life to the full!

10.  Most interesting class you ever took in school? - A law module when doing my degree (I was a mature student), it stopped me going to see patients on my day off since I found I wasn't covered by the hospital insurance!

11.  Describe your kink in 11 words or less. - Dominate me, spank me, clamp me, I am yours!

The fonts seem to be all over the place, probably as I copied some of it from Fiona's original post. Still I guess it is the content that is important here! 

Confessions

I am not going to write much about this now, but since I have used this place to talk about some of the great experiences I have had this year, it only seems right to talk about the less good.

This week I have done the hardest thing ever; I have told hubby I am having an affair. I haven't told him about the kind of affair it is, but he knows that this year for the first time in our married life (28 years) I have been unfaithful.

I won't go into details about how it all came about, though I will probably write about it here in a few days as this is essentially my journal and I feel it might be an idea to write down what happened and how I feel.

Hubby is, as might be expected, devastated. He says he suspected something, but I am not sure he really did. He is both angry and as he describes it; broken hearted. I know that I have caused this in the search of my own happiness, and my own feelings about this are very complex. I know what, according to societies expectations of me, I should do. But I really don't want to do that. I don't want to give up on what I have found. I just don't know if I am going to be able to give hubby what he wants too.

If I was on any kind of journey before, I have just reached a cross roads. One which is so over grown it is impossible to see the signposts to tell you which way to go.

I am not looking for advice here, I am just laying out how things are right now.

I have not gone though, I am just working out what to do and what to say.

Just some random thoughts

It's only 2 weeks since i last saw Sir, but it feels so much longer. i was lying in bed last night, alone at that time since hubby was watching TV downstairs, wondering if i am actually back where i was when Sir and i first chatted back in March. Of course, i am not. There is nothing on earth that can take away the great times, the experiences we have had this year. But and it feels like a big BUT, right now, or certainly last night, I don't feel in any way submissive.

Contact between Sir and myself, since that lovely Saturday two weeks ago has been minimal and that contact has been online only and very very superficial and vanilla. There is nothing wrong with this, and when we have chatted it has been very nice, but we have both been tired after long days at work. So there has been no kink discussion, no attempt by him to remind me of my submissiveness or indeed by me to remind him of his dominance. i would be lying if i didn't say that i am really missing it; having found out who i really feel i am this year, i don't want to give it all up.

Yesterday lunchtime i was out shopping, trying to choose something for last nights dinner and also for my own lunch. i heard myself say to the work colleague i was with that i just don't want to have to make a decision here. That just feels indicative of my current general mood, which is that i want someone to take control much more. It was how i found myself attracted to Him in the first place and it was how i embraced submission quite so much. Of course i don't really want someone telling me what i should eat for lunch or buy for dinner, it is much deeper than that. But i really did enjoy the feeling of wearing clothes he had instructed me to wear often without underwear. It helped to focus me and that is probably what i am missing right now.

That and the sex. Whatever else we have done together this year and we have done lots of things in lots of places, with or without the D/s element. One thing we both say is that the sex has been great. After years without much sex at all, much less anything particularly fulfilling, we have had hours and hours and hours of sexual pleasure together. He has given me some amazing orgasms and i have been to levels i barely knew existed. i know this sounds selfish, but i want much much more of that.

i have come to love the fact that when we are together, i am his to use as he wishes. i am his sex toy, his slut, his whore.  i have come to appreciate the pain that goes with this and the effect it has on me. i have come to realise that submitting to him, wearing his collar, kneeling before him is where i want to be. i just don't really know how to get more of what i want.

Photo from Through My Eyes

30 Days of Submission - Day 29

Is pain or humiliation (spankings for example) a part of your submission? What is your relationship to it? Do you embrace it as a part of your submission, tolerate it as necessary or have some other type of relationship with it?

If someone had asked me this question this time last year, i would have told them that i embrace neither pain or humiliation. i would not have believed that sexual arousal is linked so closely to submission and that pain from clamped nipples and clit and a good spanking would practically give me an orgasm. i would never have believed i would dress in public like some kind of slut - clothes barely covering my underwear (or lack of it) and stocking tops. My willingness to do these things, to embrace both pain and humiliation isn't something that comes without a significant person to do those things with and for. i am an exhibitionist but i am not about to parade in public for just anyone nor am i going to go up to any man in the street (or on fetlife or some chat room) and ask to be spanked. 

I consider myself very lucky to have found someome special to be humiliated and spanked by. We hit it off from the first time we chatted online and then on the phone and clicked during our first meeting. So much so that we did things together that first night that neither of us can quite believe to this day. i put my trust in him and that trust has grown steadily. The humiliation was present from that first meeting. i walked into a bar wearing a very short skirt, a wrapover top which i wasn't sure would remain wrapped over, stockings and heels. At his instruction i opened my legs for him for the first time in that bar (they have barely been closed in his presence since) and acted the slut picking up a stranger in a bar. It was almost not even fiction. 

The pain came later and grew gradually. i admit to having a love hate relationship with it. Some pain i love and embrace readily, particularly when it involves my nipples. Pain there links directly to my pussy and puts me into an amazing place especially when combined with some firm pressure (for example pinching or clamping) of my clit. Spanking is a different thing. i want it, and when i get it part of me wants it to stop immediately, but the other part (the one where i am getting wetter) wants it to continue. Last time he used a belt on me and that was pretty painful but actually very pleasurable at the same time (especially when you look back at it from a distance of 10 days or so). We have more to explore in this area, more implements to try and luckily there are many bloggers to go to for advice on just what these might be. Lots and lots to look forward to.

As i have said before, we are at a point in the year when meeting will be more difficult, where arranging those meetings will be technically tricky. But writing this and being reminded of my submission and how much i love to submit to Him makes me want to overcome those logistical difficulties and embrace my submission through pain and humiliation soon.

Love Our Lurkers

Since this is my first year of blogging around these parts it is my first Love Our Lurkers day. This is a day dedicated to those people who visit a blog but who rarely, if ever comment on that blog. Most of us began that way, exploring what might be a new area of interest, gaining the knowledge of life experiences from those living this lifestyle. Often they seem like places where the people who comment and get involved are the same people, close friends, a clique even. But once you get the nerve to write your name (which of course doesn't need to be your real one) and a short (or long) message, you find that everyone is very welcoming. The great thing about D/s bloggers is just how friendly they are. Pretty much without fail they give individual replies to those who leave a comment on their blogs. You also find that while people read each others blog and chat like friends, in most cases they don't actually know each other in real life. It is like a coffee shop where people meet for a coffee (maybe cake) and a chat, and then people go off on their way. Observers (lurkers) think they are close friends, but this is actually the only place they know each other from. And that's the way they like it.

I know quite a few of you who visit this place visit reasonably frequently. I actually know who some of my lurkers are as they communicate with me in other ways (email or through fetlife). Everyone is very welcome to leave me a comment, I will welcome you with open arms. Who knows I may even have the coffee on.....

I have to admit that I am not feeling all that engaged with things D/s this week. Sir has been a bit off colour after a minor 'procedure' and I am having work related stuff going on. This has meant the few chats we have had since last Saturday have been pretty ordinary nay vanilla in context and form. Not that this is a bad thing in itself, but it is just that it feels there is little to write here. I am spending time reading the blogs of others, sometimes lurking (of course we all still do it) and sometimes commenting. I often read the blogs of others to get inspiration, particularly at times like this when I don't have any exciting real life events to report and need some ideas to get me going. I get the feeling I am going to need some of those ideas in the coming weeks or else this will be a dull place where people won't even lurk, much less comment.

I do have some good old ordinary vanillaesque (new word people) weekend to look forward to. My college boy son is granting us a visit after 2 months in the world of books and whatever else they get up to. Hubby and I are off out for a night out tomorrow with some good friends and on Sunday I have my folks visiting for a good old fashioned Sunday Roast. None of these things are in any way kinky, but I know I will enjoy them and they will be fun. I can't ask more than that right now.

Day Out - Part 2

i am a very lucky slut in that my Master tolerates my moodiness. So an hour after part 1, i was stripped to my basque, suspenders and heeled boots, lying on my back on a large (and might i say lovely) table. What do you call a large table which sits just a few inches high, like that, in the middle of the living room (coffee, occasional?) He was leaned over me, His cock in my mouth, His fingers caressing my pussy. Already i was putty in His hands, my previous irritations long gone. I took his cock in my mouth, i sucked and licked, i took him as deep as i could and then sucked and licked some more. i think, and things are a little hazy, i asked to cum and was granted that amazing experience. He is good like that. He attends to my needs and i know that in doing so, it turns Him on.

He made us tea (we had both had quite long journey's to meet) and then said we should repair upstairs (He is old fashioned like that). Sensibly, i drank most of my tea before we got that far.

He cuffed me, applied nipple clamps and had me crouch on the bed, legs wide. i was beyond wet. Still in my post orgasmic state i was ready for what was to come next. Not only did He spank me with his hand and the lead to my collar he also from somewhere produced a belt. Now that belt hurt, but pain and i are developing a new kind of relationship. It made me wetter than wet and as he said 'pliable'. Who doesn't want to be pliable for their Master?

i asked him about this last night. To begin with pain didn't feature. He wasn't keen on inflicting it and i wasn't keen on receiving it. But it turns out the two are linked. As i discovered that receiving pain turns me on, he finds that giving me pain turns him on. This is a really good thing and a self fulfilling prophesy!

His tongue licked me. i was almost wild with desire as it flicked around my clit. Then his tongue was replaced with his fingers, pinching me, giving me pain and pleasure at the same time. My clamped nipples tingled and burned, my pussy was beyond wet. His tongue moved to my ass hole, his fingers still on my clit.  i think around that time i asked for and was given another orgasm (as i say it is hazy).

Then at last he said "what is Master going to do now?"
"You are going to fuck my arse Sir"

There is something about anal sex which i cannot fully describe. He is the only man to have ever gone there. It is a kind of forbidden place and it feels just so special. He claims me. i submit. And so it was. He loves that He is the only person to have ever have fucked me there and the feeling is mutual.

This was a day out made in heaven!

Day Out - Part 1

The weather had turned pretty chilly, but she was well wrapped up against the cold wind in her new coat with its faux fur collar. She was also wearing a grey wool jumper, black jeans and boots. As she sat on the train for the first part of her journey, reading  a book on her kindle, she felt comfortable, warm but also a little apprehensive. She was very much looking forward to seeing Him, but at the same time she was anxious that she was meeting Him on a weekend day and that to do this she needed to create an untrue story for the person at home.

Her mood took a further dive as she locked herself in a cubicle in the ladies toilets at the large mainline station. It was too cold to take off her coat, so having removed her boots and jeans, she put on her stockings (attached to the basque she was already wearing under her jumper), put on a short skirt and high heeled boots. Observing herself in the mirror as she washed her hands, she noted that she looked good, but was pretty much the only person not to be wearing either trousers or opaque / woolly tights with their skirt. Most people were wearing flat shoes or boots rather than heels and to be honest she would have preferred that too. Putting those thoughts to one side she headed for the underground.

It was a short journey to the meeting place, just 3 stops on the tube and then they were together. Instead of being happy, pleased to see him, she was grumpy. He said he understood why she felt as she did, but that it would be worth it. She grudgingly admitted that this might be the case.

There was one more train journey to take to their destination. The carriage was almost empty, only 3 or 4 other passengers, perhaps 2 of them sitting reasonably close to them. He sat opposite her, and after a short time, instructed her to open her legs. She did as instructed and he ran his hand up her stocking leg and up to her pussy. He told her she was very wet. For some reason this irritated her. She didn't want to be wet when she was irritated in this way. He just smiled and worked her clit a little.

The first signs of a defrosting of her mood emerged and as he took his hand away and instructed her to touch herself, then as He stroked her some more, she began to actually look forward to what was to come (or cum).

30 Days of Submission - Day 28

Has your submission ever let you down? Have you ever been criticised for your submission? Have you ever regretted being or feeling submissive in a moment or in a relationship? Have you ever looked back and realised you made a mistake and how did you handle your submission going forward from that?

In the words of Edith Piaf: je regrette rien. This has been a year of learning about submission and so far i haven't felt let down in any way, shape or form. i am not sure who is going to criticise me and even if they did, i think i am old enough and ugly enough to cope. Since this a non answer to a non question, perhaps i should move on to something else!

i am to go to work in crotchless red knickers tomorrow, in November. i am to make myself cum while at work and tell him about it when i see him on Saturday. On Saturday i am to wear the same crotchless knickers. He thinks that will be a big turn on, having me turn up in knickers that i have already cum in. Of course, since the knickers are crotchless, and barely cover anything they are unlikely to be too dirty even after all that wear. Of course you understand this is not my normal behaviour, i generally change  my underwear daily (when of course i am wearing it). 

i was going to arrive to meet Sir in jeans on Saturday (i need to leave the house and return as i normally would to go shopping with a girlfriend). But of course joolz has quite a big mouth when she gets excited and somewhere during our conversation last night i agreed to arrive to meet him in crotchless red knickers (see above), stockings and suspenders, my newly purchased black suede boots and my new coat (not sure what else will be worn underneath yet, but not much i think. i am thinking that it is a good thing that the train station i arrive at in the capital City has recently been renovated. i am hoping this means that the ladies toilets are suitably clean, tidy and warm! 

Still if a girl wants to be clamped and spanked she needs to make some sacrifices. Who wouldn't dress like a slut, be humiliated and submit to get what she needs. Who could ever regret submission under these circumstances? Not me that's for sure!