A meme from Hermione via Abby before I leave for 2 weeks R&R

Tomorrow I am off to France. I am staying in a town I know, in a holiday home I have been to with hubby (and with my son and nephew). We have had lots of holidays there, but this will be different. This time I am going on my own, and though I have a girlfriend joining me for a few days, mostly it will be just me. I have my friends and their family their to have fun with, but this will give me time and space. Hopefully the weather will be kind, I will be able to swim, walk, cycle, sunbathe, eat, drink and just be, in a safe place where I can think.

Meantime, I leave you with this meme that I got from Abby and she got from Hermione. I will post over the next couple of weeks if wifi permits, otherwise I am back on 15th June. 

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you  thought.  Ok so your got your hair cut, but make sure you pack the colour as you haven't had time for that yet!
2. How much cash do you have on you? I have been to the cash machine / ATM and have £50, £10 of which is for the window cleaner who came today! 

 3.Name a word that rhymes with door? More, as in I need more of Sir!)

 4.Name your favorite planet? I'm with abby on this, Earth of course! 

 5.Do you own more than 100 cd’s?  There are hundreds of CDs in this house; to have is to hold as it were....

 6.Have you ever finished a bag of popcorn and ate the junk from the bottom?  I rarely eat popcorn, but Sir has a popcorn making pan and when with him we ate it all, there was no junk at the bottom! 

 7.What kind of top are you wearing?  Something I don't want to take on holiday, white with brown and grey leave, it looks better than it sounds! 

 8.Have you ever labeled yourself? I believe I allow myself to be used by those close to me; submission would be a better option!

 9.Name the brand of shoes you are currently wearing? I don't wear shoes around the house

10.Bright or dark room? Brightish, you have to be able to see!

 11 .Have you ever been pooped on from the sky?  No, but hubby received one once when we were queuing to get into a theatre!

 12.What does your watch look like?  It has a white metal strap and square face, I like it a lot

 13.What were you doing at midnight last nite?  I was discussing future options with hubby, sadly no resolution as yet.

14. Have you ever dated someone a decade older than you?  no
15. Have you ever listened to a song and cried? Yes, more often recently, I am getting emotional in my old age!
16. Who last told you he/she loved you? hubby, he told me this afternoon - rhetoric / reality springs to mind though!
17. What was the last furry thing you touched? There are a number of cuddly toys in the spare room, they belonged to my son when he was little. I touched the teddy yesterday. I wonder what to do with them?
18. How many drugs have you taken within the last three days? I have taken no drugs other than the gin and tonic I had tonight! 
19. Favorite age so far? This one probably. Even though it is scary to be in this position, I am having the best time! 
20. Have you ever had a secret crush on a teacher?  Not that I remember, no  
21. What was the last thing you said to someone? Try him on his mobile! Someone ringing to speak to hubby! 
22. Have you ever been found sleep walking?  no
23. What was the last song you sang? Can't remember, but sang along to song on radio on way home this afternoon.
24. What’s your favorite number? Would it be terrible to say I don't have one, though prefer odd numbers!
25. Where did you live in 1987? In the town in which I now live - been here since 1984.
26. What do you do when the vending machines eats your money? swear, kick it and probably walk away! 
27. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed? closed, but usually sneak a peek!
28. What was the last song you heard?  The same one above that I sang along to.
29. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?  French as I go there lots. 
30. Have you ever seen a ghost? No, but I would like to!
31. When was the last time you ever wrote a letter to someone and mailed it? Can't remember, but should do that soon! 
32. Can you change the oil in a car? Isn't that what men are for?
33. How far back do you know about your ancestry?  3 or 4 generations, we are from the working classes.
34. When showering do you start the water and then get it, or get in and then start the water? I don't get in until the water is the right temperature
35. Have you ever crashed a car? Nothing serious but yes 
36. Does every family have a crazy relative? I have several, so yes!
37. Have you ever sent or made a crank call? No
38. How old do you look? Hard to say, but hopefully not as old as I am (stole the answer from Abby)
39. Should guys wear pink?  Men look good in pink so why not?
40. Have you ever done anything for which you could be arrested?  no

Finishing up the 30 days about me (27-30)

These have been hanging around for far too long so here goes - 27 to 30:

A favourite restaurant

I don't have a particular favourite, but like to eat out. My favourite kind of restaurant would be one that is not part of a chain, and one where they cook all their own food. By saying that, you can see what I am saying, all too many places these days seem to buy their food in already prepared. I can use a microwave at home, I don't need to pay over the odds for this kind of food. 

My favourite type of food would be maybe Thai or Chinese (Sir and I had a lovely Thai meal when we were away for the weekend recently), or maybe a good quality Italian meal. I rarely eat pizza, but when away on holiday I like to treat myself. There is a lovely pizza restaurant where I holiday in France, and since I am going there on Saturday, I will be partaking of that treat soon.

There is a restaurant close to Sir's house that he keeps threatening us to try. Every time we try to go there though it is closed or full! Sometime soon I hope to be able to review that place!

A skill I’d like to learn

I would love to be able to speak French more fluently. I learnt French at school, and have visited often, but the kind of French you need at school and the kind you need to have a useful conversation on holiday are two things. I have more time now, so really I have no excuse. I have no real problem in saying things, but then get into a mini panic when the person I have spoken to, replies and I struggle to understand exactly what they have said. The ability to hold a conversation in French, that's the skill I would like to have!

Something I could never tire of

Spending time with Sir. That is something I don't get nearly enough of and can't really tire of. Especially the times when he has me in the position he wants me and is using me in whatever way he wants. I have particularly found that I like to suck him, something of a revelation since it wasn't my favourite thing in the past. Now, I love the smell, taste and feel of Him inside my mouth. Particularly as his lovely cock starts to grow even bigger as I suck. It is an amazing feeling and something I am definitely not going to get tired of.

Three wonderful things that have happened in my life

The first has to be the birth of my son and the time since. He is about to graduate from University, and I am immensely proud of all he has achieved. Yesterday, I was looking at a photo of him aged about 5 looking so young and innocent, sitting cross legged in shorts and tee shirt and sun hat. Then I think of him now, revising for his final exam for his degree and wonder where the time has gone. What has returned now he has grown up is the affection for me that he hid during his teenage years. He gives a great hug these days and that is special.

Secondly the opportunity to be a nurse. My career as a nurse has shaped my life and made me the adult I am. Even though I haven't looked after any actual patients for about 10 years, all my work since then has been influenced by the knowledge and skills I learnt as a nurse.  It is something I am proud of.

Thirdly, has been meeting Sir and the other people I have met in learning about and discovering this more kinky lifestyle. I didn't know what was missing from my life. But now I have kink and I have such wonderful friends (plus a wonderful Master) I feel really happy and fulfilled. That is what gets me through the more difficult times here at home. Long may it continue!

Thoughts and feelings - More Questions than answers

It would be true to say that I feel really mixed up right now. On the one hand, I have spent two nights and a lovely whole day with my Sir and had the best time. Just spending time together, chatting about random things, visiting places together has become a way of unwinding. The sex is a good as ever, sometimes kinky and sometimes less so; we like the variety. On the other hand, though, I am questioning my actions and the implications of them. I am also analysing the feelings I have for hubby and those for Sir.

I know that I really am at the crossroads to the rest of my life now. What is more, hubby is at his own crossroads.

I have been married to him for a long time, 29 years next month. It now feels unlikely we will reach 30. The problem (other than the obvious), is that while I care for this man very much, love him even, I don't find him sexually attractive. For months now, we have danced around this. Hubby is intensely jealous of the relationship I have with Sir (stating the obvious again), because I am willing to do things with Sir that I would never consider with hubby. He is of the belief that it is all about size, and while maybe (as they say) size matters, it most definitely isn't even a small amount of the issue.

I am not aroused by the things hubby does to me, I don't know when that stopped but it has. Whereas I am very aroused by the things I do with Sir, whether that is kissing, being touched or more recently sucking him. I was never a fan of doing that with hubby, and it was one of the things I was more nervous of doing for Sir. But now, it is something I love doing for Him.

Hubby never really learnt to touch me in a way I found arousing and for some reason I struggled to show him. With Sir, he explored, I expressed my pleasure and before I knew where I was I was asking to orgasm. Hubby complains that I have not ever told him what I want and what I like. Truth is, I didn't even know what I wanted or liked until the past few months. Quite a confession for a woman of 50.

How then, can we continue a relationship where the attraction is not felt on both sides?

Last night hubby spoke a couple of times about us getting a new spare bed, and him sleeping there when he is home. Unless we sell our house, he can't afford to move out and we aren't yet ready to do this, for lots of reasons. It is hard to face the reality of the impending end of a relationship, particularly one that has gone on for so long.

In hindsight, I should have ended the marriage before I embarked on something new. But hindsight is all well and good. Soon I will have to tell people the reality of what I have done and that will be difficult.

Hubby wonders why I am not seeking to spend much more time with Sir. Perhaps in the future I might, though in truth I am confused about what we have together too. I don't really know where this relationship is going, and actually whether it matters. I don't know how he feels about me, but again does it matter, since he is there for me when I need him and vice versa.

For a woman of mature years I seem to know very little for sure. What seems clear though, is that there are more questions than answers right now.

30 days about me - 24, 25 and 26

Not long to go now before I manage to reach 30. A mixture today.

24.   Something that makes me smile

There is something about the innocence of childhood that is just so joyous and there is nothing like memories of your own children, the things they say and do that remind you of that. Something that makes me smile is looking at photos of my now grown up son and remembering happy moments, thinking of the wonderful things he has said and done. Recently, when preparing to leave my job, I found a whole set of holiday photos from 2003 on my personal drive at work. I don't remember how they got there, and I had assumed they were lost (when did we stop printing?) The photos were of a holiday to France which included hubby, myself and son as well as my parents, niece and nephew. Son and nephew were 12 and niece 10, they all still have that look of being children. My parents look fit and well (something neither are now unfortunately). It was lovely to remember day after day of sunny weather, trips to the beach where the boys loved to dig holes in the sand and bury each other and my niece. There were days where we swam in lakes or visited castles. There were evenings in various restaurants. Lovely memories and photos that brought a smile to my face.

25.   The contents of my purse

In the UK a purse means the thing you keep your money and cards in, but I take purse in this context to mean my bag. Generally I favour something reasonably small so that it is not heavy and I am not tempted to fill it too much. I have different bags depending on what I am wearing or the time of year. By changing often I try not to carry too much around. Generally though I will have my purse (the one for money), keys, phone, hair brush, lipstick, lip balm and tissues. If I am travelling somewhere then I will usually have my kindle with me. There are usually a number of receipts from various purchases, but otherwise not too  much. 

26.   Something I’m looking forward to

The thing I look forward to most right now is the time I can get to spend with my Sir. Obviously I look forward to other things too, but most of all seeing Him. I don't have to wait long either as I am seeing him tomorrow and I am staying for a couple of nights. That is lots to look forward to!

The post where I ramble on about something and nothing

In lots of ways I have so much to be happy about, thankful about. I have a lovely Master who takes good care of me, someone who is there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or need a good talking to. At the same time, I have a husband who, while not exactly coping well with what is happening with Sir continues to care about me. I have family and I have friends. I have a payout from work which means that I have been able to invest for my pension and have enough left to take a short career break, go on holiday and get a new kitchen. 

All of the above must mean that I am grateful for everything I have and am going around with a great big grin on my face? Not a bit of it.

For a reason that I can't quite identify I feel tired and weary, everything is a bit of an effort. All of this might be linked to something which I think is happening in my body. Can I mention the m word? Apart from the 8 months of my pregnancy and a few months afterwards my cycle has been sickeningly (and reassuringly) regular. I am like a text book (28 days give or take a day). Since March though, nothing. Intermittently I feel like I am premenstrual but then nothing happens. 

PMS has been a feature of my life for such a long time. Essentially a week when I become irritable (well more irritable than I previously was), crave food (the worse for you the better), bloated - you know the kind of thing. On the day before my period, I usually get a feeling of impending doom and can fly off the handle at the simplest thing. Within a day or two, the feeling leaves me and it is just a case of getting through the bleeding part until next time. 

For the last couple of months though I have experienced some of the PMS symptoms and feelings, but nothing has happened. 

Last night, having not heard from Sir for several days, with no prospect of getting together with him insight I emailed him to say I was feeling neglected. At the same time I had hubby here, doing his best to wind me up by asking for information so he could assess the extent to my relationship with sir. I kept my calm but inside wanted to run away, to be with Sir if I had a choice.

I love to submit to Sir, to do as he tells me, to be there to use as He wishes.

I also like to be in control, of my body and of my feelings. An episode of PMS that seems to go on and on without a bleed is not something I am liking. 

But I am not someone to wallow so despite the fact that I feel that I could lie in bed and read, surf the net reading blogs etc and generally slob about, I am trying to be proactive. Yesterday, inspired by Miss Constance's recent gardening blog posts, I got outside on a beautiful spring day and did loads of weeding and cut the grass. Today I am off out with friends for a facial and then tea and cake. I might not feel like it but I am going to be proactive and I am going to be positive. Yes really, I am.....

What kind of submissive am I?

I got the link to this OK Cupid submissive type test from L at Willing Slut and seem to have come out as a Servant. Interestingly this is not how I see myself and it is really not how my Sir sees me since I have only cooked for hims twice and the most house work I have done is to wash up after us. But I have spent a large proportion of my life acting as something of a servant to hubby and others. I have this desire to do things for people, to make things right and to keep people happy. 
I would like to be more of a submissive, to spend more of my time devoting myself to His needs but given the circumstances within which we live, I suppose I have to be grateful for what we have now. 

Servant

You scored 53% Humiliation, 39% Submissiveness, 62% Service, and 46% Pain!

You're the Servant, what you seek most is to serve someone, give them the opportunity to live like kings/queens. You'd like to be able to do everything for them, household maintainance, errands and probably serve them sexually, you don't have too much high of a need to feel submissive, you don't need to feel like you're "used", you just enjoy in the pleasure of your Dom.
People like you usually seek long term relationships in which you can fully show the way you serve your Dom, although being allowed to come over to your Dom's house to fix dinner and clean the house would probably put a smile on your face.
Yor association with pain or humiliation can be from none to wholesome, you may find it fun, or not, just check out your scores in those :) 

Your Analysis (Vertical line = Average)

• 
  You scored 53% on Humiliation, higher than 76% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 39% onSubmissiveness, higher than 15% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 62% on Service, higher than 49% of your peers.
• 
  You scored 46% on Pain, higher than 43% of your peers.

More about me - 21 to 23

It's Sunday and I am currently thinking about getting on with some things. I say thinking, so what better way to pass some time without actually getting on than by catching up with more things about me. So here goes.

21.   A self portrait

What to say about me to paint something of a picture? Well quite tall - 5'8", brown hair which was once more auburn but now that it is out of a bottle is the colour I choose. Blue eyes which are good at picking up the colour of certain blue / turquoise clothes I might wear. I am fair skinned with freckles, which I hated as a child but am used to now. I am a little over weight, I try hard to keep the weight down, but this year I am struggling. I suspect I am about to go through the menopause and that in itself makes weight control difficult. I have long legs and that I think helps me seem less fat than perhaps I am. Sir says he loves my legs in stockings and heels, and I think they do look good! 

22.   What I love about my job

Of course I am currently not working, but my profession is nursing. I became a nurse because I wanted to care for people, and make a difference to their lives. As I moved through my career as a jobbing, bedside nurse, I found that the difference I could make to their individual likes was fine in itself, but that I wanted to do more. To make a bigger difference. I moved then through a succession of management jobs - nurse education, commissioning and lately in a job about improving the experience of patients with cancer. I love to work with people, to be part of a team and to care. On International Nurses Day it is important to keep that grounding!

I hope to be back in a job I love soon.

23.   Eight things you don’t know about me

I have done some memes before where I say stuff about myself, so if I repeat anything then its because I forgot what I have already said. 

• I have an orange car - Very useful when you have forgotten where you parked
• I am best suited to a temperate climate since I don't like to be too cold or too hot
• I like the idea of exercise, but often find it dull. I am a clock watching exerciser!
• I would usually choose savoury over sweet, but just sometimes there is nothing like chocolate - preferably good quality milk chocolate
• Every time I buy a pair of shoes I have to have a blister of sore area before they can become comfortable. It is very very irritating.
• I love to read and recently joined a book club. One of the best things about not working at the moment is that I have time to read. I am currently reading 2 books - Romola by George Eliot (as mentioned on my post about Florence) and The Painted Kiss by Elizabeth Hickey which is for the next book club meeting at the end of the month
• I enjoy those American crime type series like CSI and NCIS. I also like to read mystery type books. 
• I love History and finding out about places. I like to imagine how things used to be when I visit a place. I loved to think about people from 100, 200 or whatever years ago walking where I walk. 

Quite conventional

That's what He described the part of the afternoon we spent in bed as. In terms of kink, D/s, BDSM: yes that is what it was. In terms of the usual life of me as a woman in 2013 aged 50. It was anything but my usual day.

He is the first man with whom penetrative sex results in orgasm for me. He fills me and if we manage to get into the right position, which isn't all that unusual these days, I can orgasm without any external stimulation.

Until a couple of months ago I barely thought that was possible. But as we get to know each other, as we explore more of each other, it becomes not just possible but likely. This week I asked for an orgasm and received many. Many and multiple.

Firstly as we rode against each other, His cock deep in me. Then as he pinched my nipples ( I can still  feel the effects of the clamps and his fingers on them), next as he stroked and rubbed my clit and finally the orgasms just came. Lots of them.

Before all of this we had eaten lunch, a lovely picnic type affair of ham, cheese, quiche, bread and salad. Then we had sat in the garden, a lovely sun trap, soaking up the sun, until it disappeared and we had retreated up to the bedroom....

This was just one day out of both of our lives, but it was amazingly special. It was about D/s and kink but it was also about being together. I sacrificed a lot to be there since hubby's attitude is hardening in the confusion he has about his feelings. I continue to follow my heart and my needs, but I won't deny that I am torn. Between the safe world I know and trust and the one my heart cries out for. 

That's convention for you!

It only takes a day

I had the most wonderful trip to Florence, but being the greedy girl I am, I needed something more. Yesterday I got it.

I got to spend a day with my lovely Master.

I have said before that we live some hundred miles apart and getting together isn't always as easy as we would both like. Ideally we spend at least a night or two together, but this week that just wasn't going to happen. So given that he was off work and I am still between jobs, there was an opportunity to grab a day. Even as I was on my way and was held up in traffic while hubby was expressing his anger at my sudden action, I considered turning around and going home. But I kept going and I wasn't disappointed.

Somehow He is great at measuring my mood (why am I so surprised?) It progressed like this: Cup of tea, walk by the sea, then upstairs to submit to Him.

While I drank my tea we exchanged news, mine obviously was about my trip, but more urgently about my engagements with hubby since I returned. My relationship with my husband is becoming ever more complicated - I will write about this over the weekend; I will have the time and he is away.

It was a beautiful morning, sunny and warm, though a little breezy (and cool if you were out of the sun), it was also a very clear day. Local school children were busy on a little field trip; some of them even surveyed me about my view of the beach and sea. Then, cobwebs cleared, we returned home to Sir's.

Lying on His bed in my stockings, suspenders and heels, He stroked my clit and pussy before putting the various (nipple and clit) clamps on me. Then, on my hands and knees, He produced the riding crop. Yes he spanked me with it, but briefly. He teased, running it around my thighs, bottom, clit and pussy and then he pushed the handle end into me, twirling it round inside. I was ready to burst in just a few minutes. His fingers found my clit; almost too much to cope with so quickly!

He was determined to possess me quickly and very soon His cock was inside me. I love anal sex and yes that was what he wanted. He wanted to claim me in a way no other man has and that is what he did. I was His.

Did I say it only takes a day? Try a couple of hours!

More to follow....

Florence

It is a place I have wanted to travel to for ages. A place that from photos looked beautiful. A place steeped in history. I wasn't disappointed.

I haven't spent a lot of time in Italy. Not in comparison to France and Spain where I have holidayed lots. A few years ago, we took my son and nephew to Rome for their 18th birthdays, what a beautiful place. I would say though that Florence comes close. Of course the pope doesn't live there and there is no Vatican. But Florence is a more relaxed place, perhaps a bit less 'up itself', if I can be so blunt.

I took lots of photos and here are a few:

Duomo di Santa Maria del Fiore taken from the top of the Museo di Palazzo Veccio

Inside the Museo di Palazzo Veccio - The Medici family liked it's ornate decoration

The famous Ponti Veccio, amazing jewellery shops for those with lots of money, but I did buy a lovely leather bag from a shop just across the bridge

The Giardino di Boboli at the Museo di Pitti 

I drank cappuccino in a cafe where according to my guidebook people sit to see and be seen, I drank chianti, ate pasta and pizza and some wonderful gelato. I chatted to other visitors and I read Romola by George Eliot (set in 15th century Florence). I walked and I thought about things.

I thought about the things that have happened over recent months and about how I would like things to be in the future. All that can be done now, is to move forwards. There is no turning back. The world is large and full of new experiences and I am brave enough to face them.

I do seem however to have picked up some kind of virus and am not feeling at my best. Sir has offered me to visit him tomorrow for the day, maybe that is what I need to prevent me wallowing in my own self pity. Thinking is good but maybe best not to do too much of it at a time!

Solo Traveller

It feels that this last year or so have been about me doing new things, in new ways and in new places. I haven't actually written a bucket list of things I should do before I get too old or die, but it certainly feels like I am ticking them off.

Lately I have learnt to do more things on my own. It is lovely to go places with others, to have someone else to share new experiences with. But there is no reason why you can't explore a bit of the world at your own pace. Please yourself.

I have never been anywhere for more than a day or so on my own, and I have never travelled abroad alone. I have travelled mostly when going on courses, often to new places, meeting new people. But those people are usually heading to the same place as  me and have work or interests in common. On Friday, I am going off to Florence for a long weekend, alone.

I came up with the idea on Sunday, while waiting for the reappearance of hubby. I shared my idea with Sir, who has been encouraging me to go off somewhere where I can think and recharge my batteries as it were. Surprisingly when I shared my idea with hubby he also encouraged me. Since he is off somewhere this weekend, there seems no time like then. In the UK this weekend is a bank holiday, which means it will probably rain and if it doesn't everywhere will be very busy. It is not school holiday time though, so flights are reasonably cheap. I spent Monday and Tuesday procrastinating, but this morning, before I had time to change my mind, I booked the flight and hotel. I am staying in the middle of the City and should be able to walk around to see all of the main sites.

Of course, the next thing I had to do was to head to the shops for a guidebook. On the way, I needed to pass a number of clothes shops and so have been forced to buy some new things to wear; it would be rude not to!

I am a little anxious, but very excited. This feels like a whole new element to my journey. I will be in touch with news of what I am up to!