Reclaiming His girl

This girl didn't really know what to expect, after all He had just spent the night on a plane, flying across America and the Atlantic. This girl remembers the last time she did that, and how she felt. Mind you she did deal with a dying cat that day, while hubby lay in bed. But that is another story.

They had no sooner arrived at Master's house than He had her on her knees sucking His cock. Reminding her Who owned her and how much she loved to worship.

Then He set about reclaiming the rest of the body that this girl already knew He owned, but which He wished to repossess. For His own.

Within the first hour (maybe less), this girl had also been granted 5 orgasms.

For a while He appeared to be asleep, this girl lay spooned against Him and drifted off too. Suddenly though He was awake and very soon after she was able to take Him in her mouth and to taste His seed. How she relished that after nearly 4 weeks.

Then He really did sleep. For a while this girl, who hasn't been sleeping well did too. Then she lay watching him, and later read her book. Being close to Him was all that mattered. During that time this girl found herself relaxing into her submission and thinking about her desire to be His slave.

Eventually though He was awake and Master and this girl spent a good couple of hours just being together. We talked about this girl's submission and how it had developed beyond what either of us had imagined. But for much of the time, this girl just experienced that whole thing in reality. His touch, His words, the look in His eyes.

His words - "who owns you?"  - "You Master". "Who are you?"  - "this girl".

This girl is slave to Her Master, but the finer details of what that means are still to be discussed.

This girl just knows that this is right. For her, for Him. Right now.

This girl feels she has been reclaimed. She feels thoroughly owned.

Today

This girl will feel her Master's hands on her again.

Feel His embrace.

Feel His lips on hers.

Taste Him.

Look into His eyes.

Hear Him call her girl.

His good girl.

This girl will get to call Him Master, to His face, in the Flesh.

Today.

30 days of submission revisited 17-21

17) What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Trust is an extremely important aspect of this girl's relationship with Master. The trust that this girl needs to have that He will care for her and keep her safe from harm is part of that. But since this girl is part of a three way polyamorous relationship, means that the need for trust is an even greater issue. While this girl writes these words, Master is 6000 miles away in bed with His other slave. That knowledge is something that this girl is coming to terms with much more and is an area where she must trust Him to manage both relationships in a way that is best for us all. 

As this girl gives more to Master, in terms of herself, her body and mind then the need to trust Him increases. This process is happening over time and requires trust in Him, it also requires that she trust her own instincts and give herself totally to Him.

18) Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Master encourages this girl to communicate her needs and her feelings. He is also very happy to hear her opinion (most of the time). But, this girl has discovered that while He definitely listens, and hears her point of view, He then makes His own decision on what is best. This girl trusts that He will take her feelings in to account when making decisions on the things they do and if He takes a different view to hers, it will be the right one. That of course, doesn't always stop this girl from arguing but she knows who has the final word.

19) How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

This girl has one special real life friend she met through Fetlife who she sees regularly and whom has become a great source of support. We meet every couple of months, but email most weeks. We confide in each other and have supported each other through one or two difficulties. This girl has a newer friend, destiny, who she met through both her Master and hers, via Alt.com. We have not yet been able to meet in person, but have been chatting on Skype regularly. This has happened as both of our Masters are far away from us right now. We will definitely keep those chats up once my Master gets back and hope to meet in the not too distance future when she visits the UK. This girl also has a couple of people who she has 'met' through this blog. People who this girl communicates with by email and who have similar experiences to her own. This girl is really pleased that she now has some people in her life who she can support and be supported by through this journey. For now, that feels like enough on top of that of her Master. 
 
20) Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

This girl's submission has increased over the past 4 months, thanks to the guidance of her Master and the support of friends. This girl is learning to accept and embrace her submission in a way she never thought was possible. She accepts that she has lots to learn still and loves that Master has accepted the role of teacher in this area of her life. After He returns home this week, this girl is sure that there will be some discussion about the next steps in her submission and their relationship as a whole. This girl is looking forward to that.

21) Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Any position in which Master asks this girl to display herself to Him makes her feel more submissive. Also stripping off her clothes for Him has the same effect. Indeed, stripping off and spending time naked also helps. This girl has been doing a bit of that this last couple of weeks when at home alone.

Each morning this girl stands in front of her mirrored wardrobe and tells the reflection who she is and who owns her. That ritual helps this girl to feel more submissive too.

This girl's submission

This has been a holiday weekend, plus, this girl has tagged a couple of extra days on so that she has a good break from work. That means that Sir and this girl have been able to spend 3 nights together.

This morning we lay in bed until very late. This girl commented on how calm she felt; how she is able to lie next to Sir and just be. Of course that being, involves Sir playing with His girl as He wants.  

This girl and Sir discussed recent blog posts, the effect of the piercings on her submission; they have made her feel her submission so much more. Sir likes this effect on this girl. This weekend has marked 3 months since Sir and this girl first met. It is also the last weekend that they can spend together for a while. This morning was important to us both, hence the reluctance to get out of bed. 

We discussed those first few dates and the way that Sir knew that this girl wanted to submit. The look He saw in her eyes and the feelings that this girl had during that time. We also discussed the fact that this girl thought she knew all about submission at that time but since then she has leant so very much.

What this girl knew about was sexual submission. Something important to both of us.  She knew about giving herself to a Dominant, however right then she didn't know just how deep that submission could reach, how important it could be to her. She didn't understand how important ownership of a girl's orgasms were. How by giving up control could liberate her. She had no idea that it was possible to orgasm with little or no physical contact. She certainly does now.

In the past this girl has thought about piercings, however she had no idea that those piercings could take her deeper than she could imagine. That by admitting that they belonged to another they would give her a sense of fulfilment that she could only dream of. Being owned by another is so much more important to this girl than she knew. It is only a week since they were done, but already that much is clear.

But submission is not just about sex. It is about how an individual lives their life. Sir and this girl talked about the post regarding rules. Sir asked if this girl thought she needed more rules, perhaps tasks. But they agreed she does not. what she needs is to be able to live her life in the way that she knows Sir would be pleased with.  The rules don't need to be created, they exist in this girl's normal life. She knows how she should deal with situations at work and home, she knows the things she needs to do. Sir knows that too and by actually living in that way she knows that Sir will be pleased with her.

This girl faces a difficult few weeks. Sir will be away, He will be concentrating on the other important person in His life. This girl has had most of His attention for the past few months and now His attention must shift. This girl must be mindful of this and concentrate on being the submissive he wants and needs.  She needs to abide by the rules that are not actually articulated but exist. She must be His good girl. Only by doing these things will this girl be the submissive she desires and needs to be.

Wedding ring and more questions

Just before Christmas i realised i weighed more than i had ever weighed in my life before. Essentially i felt very miserable around that time, and when i am miserable i eat. I also shopped as if a family of 3 were staying at home for the whole holidays and were expecting guests every night. In the main, what food was eaten was eaten by me. My son helped, but he doesn't have a sweet tooth (hell neither really do i!) and i hate waste.

At New Year i decided i needed to do something and during January both dieted and did the whole dry January thing (even if i didn't last all month).

Over the months, when people have asked me why i still wear my wedding ring, i have said it is because it won't come off. The practicalities of this were definitely true in December and January, though to be honest it is only recently it has bothered me.

i have now lost 12lb in weight, though i have a bit to go until i will be happy with my weight. But today, while in a place where the air conditioning was a little on the cool side, while fiddling with my wedding ring, it actually came off. 

i won't be putting it back on. 

Apart from a few weeks during the latter stages of pregnancy, i have worn a wedding ring on my left hand for near on 30 years. It is going to be weird to wear nothing. For now, i have a ring that was left to me by my grandmother which i have decided to wear on that finger.

.................................................

Questions from Fiona:

What is a fantasy that you have that includes Graeme that you have not yet tried?

i would like to be made to submit for a prolonged period of time. Since we don't live together and  have no formal kind of arrangement, my submission kind of comes and goes. i would like to agree to behave in a particular kind of way for a specific length of time and actually manage to do it (or else be punished). This is really tame, or is it? Julie is Mrs Pretty Scary Lady and she likes to be in charge. Giving up power and control for a day, or two would be a massive thing. Plus it would show if she is able to be joolz for any length of time.

What is your favourite implement?

Damn it i have very little experience with many implements and the ones recently experienced blurred into one. i am not keen on the belt but like the crop or flogger (edited after thinking about this). The flogger because it can be such a sensual gentle thing and then again it can be something else entirely. This is an area where my experience definitely needs widening!

Do you think you will be Graeme long term or are you thinking this just a while it lasts relationship?

It has only been a month. Plus He is promised to another. i intend to enjoy the things we do together for as long as we both wish to do them. In short, i don't know and at the moment am not worried. 

What is your favourite desert?

I love cherries. Given a menu i will, if it available choose something with cherries. I can't actually eat them fresh as they make my throat kind of itch, like i am about to have an allergic reaction. But the kind of cherry in kirsch or something that you get in a gateaux or cheesecake or just in cream and ice-cream. Well yes give that to me! If it also includes chocolate then all the better!

Time to reflect

It's been about 10 days since S told me that he was ready to move on. During that time I have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on our relationship together, but also about what I might want in the future.

While we were chatting on Skype that evening, he said he hoped I met someone; that I deserved to be happy. I told him that evening that I wasn't in any hurry, instead I need to sort my life out.

I do need to do that, but actually I would like to think about a future relationship and what I might look for in that context. For the past few evenings hubby has been home - the longest time we have spent together since well before Christmas. The gulf between us shouted at me - in terms of the way we communicate and the way in which we want to spend our time. When he is home I restrict my time online, and we generally sit in the same room watching tv, eating dinner and speaking about neutral issues. This week, I have had lots of time to think about my life and what the future might hold.

I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time. I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have.

I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused.

I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control.

In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted.

I know what I want, indeed what I NEED. The question is, how to I get it?

Picture from Simply Black and White

One to remember

After a Christmas, that in many ways I would like to forget, New Year was something different. Entirely different.

My New Year was spent with the lovely S, and he was pretty keen to make it something special for us both. Special and very different.

He had been working, and I had travelled down during the late afternoon. I arrived shortly after he got in. With no special plans we decided on a quiet evening, the two of us - with food, wine and some kinky sex.

A lot of kinky sex.

For this evening S was once again my Master, in a way he has not really been since the summer. I wore  stockings and heels as usual, but tonight I wore my collar once more. I had my nipples clamped. I was cuffed. I had my panties stuffed into my mouth. I was spanked with both his hand and the riding crop. I was made to lick his ass and balls and then I was allowed to suck his cock. He made me sit on his face and then he gave me the most amazing set of orgasms. I think that was most of part one.

Part 2 was later in the evening, and involved a little more wine and sex on the sofa, or with me knelt on it and then over it. The whole thing is something of a blur.

As midnight approached we cuddled up sipping sparkling wine. He announced that he wanted us upstairs having sex when midnight arrived. Knowing that my family would start to contact me at midnight, I was forced to switch off my phone.

So at midnight, my Sir had his cock inside my backside. He was owning me and I was definitely his slut. Which of course I told him - at his request.

For both of us it was the perfect end to the year and a wonderful way to start the next.

It was definitely one for us both to remember.

Happy New Year to you all.

Relaxing

The weather helped in our decision to make Saturday a relaxing time. Early on i decided that around 3ish would be a good time to leave for home. That way, i would be back before it was properly dark.

We were awake early. i guess that it goes with our age, not being able to properly lie in these days. Still, it means that relaxing can be part of your awareness rather than part of something you realise has happened once you wake up.

After breakfast we spent time surfing the Internet. Thoughts of a trip to France, a suitable hotel and some kinky ideas to accompany it, were followed by research into a dungeon you can hire near where Sir lives, were followed by some ideas for me to get a week away to help sort my head.

After a bath (not actually together, but then unless you have something massive is no particular sacrifice), we took something of a bracing stroll by the sea. The first 10 minutes were great, but as the sun disappeared and it began to snow we wasted no time in getting back to Sir's warm house.

We returned to bed. Deliberately. For some Saturday sex. I dressed in stockings and suspender belt, complete with heels (my corset is a little tight right now, but i will sort that). He spent a lot of time sucking my nipples and stroking my clit before clamping my nipples. He went down on me. This was a feature this weekend, He has licked, sucked and bitten my clit such a lot this weekend, there was barely a point in asking to cum for him, since i felt like i was almost continuously orgasming! Then it was my turn. The more i worship His cock, the more i love it, want it in my mouth and to satisfy Him. He fills my mouth, and helps me concentrate my mind. Wonderful.

He pushed His cock into my cunt, from behind, with me crouching on the bed, then on my tummy, then on my side. Lastly, he filled my arse and i was able to cry out, tell Him what He loves to hear. That i am his whore, His slut, that i belong to Him and Him alone.

Lunch followed. What you have to understand about the needs of my Master is that sexual fulfilment is quickly followed by the need for food.

Lastly we went to the supermarket to we could both buy provisions for the next couple of days. Sir wanted me to be dressed as a slut for this trip, but had to be honest and say that He couldn't follow though (thank goodness as i too was spent). He thought it might be funny to add a couple of cans of sweetcorn to the blog, since that was one of his purchases. So here they are.

These are more exotic than the real ones, but there are two.

A cup of tea later and i was on my way home.

26 hours. Lots and lots of orgasms. A week of satisfaction by most peoples reckoning.

A relaxing day and a wonderful weekend.

Just what i needed!

Looking forward to being dressed as a nun in France (yes really)!

Random thoughts for a Saturday afternoon

Last night, i was out on a rare night out with my really good friends from work. 3 of us went out for a Greek Meze with lots of wine. Concequently, now my regular Saturday chores (shopping for food, a bit of tidying and some ironing) are complete, i have my feet up on the sofa.

Increasingly at the weekend hubby is away for at least one of the days. His actions seem in direct contradiction to his words. He says he wants to keep hold of me and to spend time with me. His actions suggest he doesn't really want that. One evening this week while we discussed the situation we are currently in with regards our relationship, he said that as soon as he found someone else he would be off. He said that in his opinion i couldn't speak to him about important things and that this meant that our marriage was not only over, but he went on to accuse me of ruining and wasting all 28 years. That night, at around 3 am, i woke to find that he was wide awake and was coming on to me.

To say this is all quite confusing is a bit of an understatement.

i am not sure when we stopped discussing our thoughts and feelings with each other. Nor am i sure exactly when i started to feel as i do when he touches me. Deep down i know he is correct when he says that we are on a slippery slope out of our marriage. But for everything it is still hard to let go. i am confused that when Sir touches the same parts of my body it feels just so different to when hubby does so. i guess that even though i don't understand, it tells me what i need to know.

Time to myself, does give me space though. And space is something i have been longing for.

I have been checking into quite a few of my favorite blogs today (i was awake very early this morning due to too much wine and too much food), so caught up on some reading until i could drop back off to sleep.

For the love of a submissive is a tumblr blog i read and look in at regularly. There are often some very nice pictures there; today is no exception. The author speaks today about rules and about how He doesn't have many rules with his 'muse' as he calls her, since they are in a long distance relationship, and that D/s is something that takes place in the bedroom. But goes on to say that when they are together, and they are in the bedroom (as it were) then they have plenty of rules about what she must call him and how she kneels and presents herself.

This whole blog post rang very true to me. We also have no actual rules that i follow when we are apart. At times i have worn specific clothes and underwear (or not worn underwear) at His request. This does give me a massive thrill, but can't be continued all of the time. We also have no orgasm rules (which i know many people do). Rather He loves it when i tell Him that i have orgasmed while thinking of him. This morning, after i had finished my reading and i was thinking, i got out my trusted buzzy rabbit toy and did just that. The great thing is that it was probably that wonderful O, while thinking about my lovely Master that helped me fall asleep for another hour or so.

When i am with Him though, things are very different. i am expected, and always do ask for my orgasms. Mostly he is very good to me and my request is granted, though of course i am made to wait when He thinks i am getting much too much of a good thing. He wants me dressed appropriately, He wants me to be ready so He can use me and he wants my legs open when possible. Last time he even told me off for lying in bed with my legs crossed. i love to be ready so that He can use me as He likes and i like the rules He imposes.

If he is awake at 3 am and decides to stroke me, to wake me and to use me, then i am ready for him (even though i don't necessarily want to be woken out of a lovely sleep), and i know that that is the difference right now.

Day Out - Part 2

i am a very lucky slut in that my Master tolerates my moodiness. So an hour after part 1, i was stripped to my basque, suspenders and heeled boots, lying on my back on a large (and might i say lovely) table. What do you call a large table which sits just a few inches high, like that, in the middle of the living room (coffee, occasional?) He was leaned over me, His cock in my mouth, His fingers caressing my pussy. Already i was putty in His hands, my previous irritations long gone. I took his cock in my mouth, i sucked and licked, i took him as deep as i could and then sucked and licked some more. i think, and things are a little hazy, i asked to cum and was granted that amazing experience. He is good like that. He attends to my needs and i know that in doing so, it turns Him on.

He made us tea (we had both had quite long journey's to meet) and then said we should repair upstairs (He is old fashioned like that). Sensibly, i drank most of my tea before we got that far.

He cuffed me, applied nipple clamps and had me crouch on the bed, legs wide. i was beyond wet. Still in my post orgasmic state i was ready for what was to come next. Not only did He spank me with his hand and the lead to my collar he also from somewhere produced a belt. Now that belt hurt, but pain and i are developing a new kind of relationship. It made me wetter than wet and as he said 'pliable'. Who doesn't want to be pliable for their Master?

i asked him about this last night. To begin with pain didn't feature. He wasn't keen on inflicting it and i wasn't keen on receiving it. But it turns out the two are linked. As i discovered that receiving pain turns me on, he finds that giving me pain turns him on. This is a really good thing and a self fulfilling prophesy!

His tongue licked me. i was almost wild with desire as it flicked around my clit. Then his tongue was replaced with his fingers, pinching me, giving me pain and pleasure at the same time. My clamped nipples tingled and burned, my pussy was beyond wet. His tongue moved to my ass hole, his fingers still on my clit.  i think around that time i asked for and was given another orgasm (as i say it is hazy).

Then at last he said "what is Master going to do now?"
"You are going to fuck my arse Sir"

There is something about anal sex which i cannot fully describe. He is the only man to have ever gone there. It is a kind of forbidden place and it feels just so special. He claims me. i submit. And so it was. He loves that He is the only person to have ever have fucked me there and the feeling is mutual.

This was a day out made in heaven!

Mind and body

Or maybe it is body and mind, i can't quite decide. On Thursday, while with Sir i had some pretty powerful orgasms. He really is getting to the core of what pretty much blows my mind and it seems he isn't afraid to do so. After 6 months we are beginning to know each other well, to know what each other likes, what is more, given the nature of this relationship He continues to push me to experience more and more sensations. This time there was more spanking, on my bottom and on my pussy. This time i wasn't restrained at all, but was expected to keep my body in the positions He told me to. When i cum i like to straighten my legs, as sensations increase within me, i love the feelings i get if  my legs are straight, i think it is reflexive in nature and i tend to go with that. This time he made me keep my legs apart during orgasm and while this was hard to do when not restrained the results were pretty good. He also did some amazing things to my clit - clamped it, nibbled and bit it which just sent me to another level. Yes it was painful, but it practically send me into orbit. As he said afterwards, i got pretty noisy! He is now convinced that i need my clit pierced; i am not sure i am brave enough to go to get such a thing done, but he has a point.

I don't think i realised, even at the beginning of this quite how powerful just the right amount of pain can be. Over time the level of pain can increase, while at the same time you just get more and more sexually aroused. He loves the fact that i am becoming such a pain slut, that i crave the spankings, the nipple and clit clamping it feels like he is turning me into some kind of sexual slave.

The end result though is that things start playing out in my mind. No doubt he will think i am going over board here, but there were moments on Thursday evening that i would have done anything he asked. Moments when i really truly felt like i was in love. I have said before that while this relationship isn't about love as such, i don't believe you can experience this level of stimulation without deep feelings of love. i am a little nervous of expressing these emotions here, but since this is my blog, and these were my feelings, i will. I am not saying that today in the cold light of day i am expressing the same feelings, but what i am saying is that BDSM relationships involve extreme levels of trust, they lead to levels of emotion that a person may not have experienced before and this can lead to the release some amazing feelings.

It was difficult leaving his house as i did at 7.30am on Friday. i needed sleep and i could have done with being held some more. But it is experiences like this that make the whole thing worthwhile, even if it never feels we have sufficient time together.

Back

France was great, though the weather on some days was less sunny and warm than i may have liked. I managed to swim in the sea though and to walk miles. I also ate some very good food and drank some lovely wine. Back to the diet asap! My world has been refreshingly vanilla. I make no excuses for admitting that other than a few email exchanges with Sir and some thoughts about what He might choose to do with me in those surroundings (slutty escapades in the outdoors, making use of the slatted railings to the mezzanine floor which served as our bedroom to name two) I have been in relaxing mode. I can't really explain how tired I felt before i left these shores, but it was very weary indeed.

I feel pretty refreshed, well i would be but Sir suggested an early morning skype this morning and i was too eager to see him to say no (not that i am good at turning him down at the best of times). We haven't done the skype thing before, and i was a bit reticent about him seeing me when i had only just woken up. But then i thought, how silly, he has seen me when asleep, let alone newly woken! We were a little naughty on there, but what are two adults to do when they haven't laid eyes on each other for 3 weeks and have another week to go.

One of the best things about having been away, with limited contact to each other is knowing that we have missed each other. It does the heart good to know that while i have been thinking about him, he has also been thinking of me. It reminds me of how much he means to me now, and what i mean to him. Counting down now to next Thursday. Much more of that in the days to come....

6 month review

In the health service, which is where i am employed, appraisals, 6 month reviews and one to one meetings with your manager are now common place. This wasn't always so; you could go for years without being encouraged to pause and reflect on your progress. Another thing that has changed over the years is the tendency for people to be congratulated on the things they have done well, rather than to be reminded of what they have done wrong. This is progress as far as i can see.

i am about to reach something of a milestone in terms of the relationship i have with Steve. i will call him that in this post (possibly interchangeably with Sir), since he has revealed that as his name. We are approaching our 6 month review - 1st October will mark the 6 month anniversary of the first day that we chatted online. Since i will be in France on 1st Oct (hubby and i leave on Monday for a 9 day holiday), today is the day for my review.

Everyone has said that i have come a long way since then, and they are right. i almost feel like a different person, different but perhaps the same. i am still the caring wife, mum, daughter and friend. i still feel that i hold in so much of myself, that they don't know the real me - maybe that is more true with them than it was then. Since i have a new part of my life, new experiences that none of them know about. But at the same time i have a whole range of people to share with. With Steve of course, and we do share a lot with each other, about our ordinary vanilla lives as well as TTWD. But i also have a lovely group of fellow bloggers, most but not all of them fellow women, fellow submissives who are themselves on some kind of journey (some at the beginning like me, others further along), all of us managing our day to day lives as well as our relationships.

At the start of this, i knew deep down that i was submissive, and that i needed that side of me to come out. i knew that i was curious about bondage, about exploring pain and its association with arousal, and i wanted to find out about D/s relationships. i could hardly have foreseen, however how many new experiences i would have had or how much it is possible to be fulfilled by them. Steve was nervous posting comments here as he thinks i have built him up as some kind of super person, and that by showing himself, i and others would be disappointed. Maybe i have portrayed him as almost perfect, but then i am kind of smitten by the relationship we have developed together. Plus i have little to compare him with (except hubby and they are not alike in any way). Of course no one is perfect, so he shouldn't worry. Also since i only see him every few weeks and since we don't have to face the daily grind together i barely need to consider his short comings, and anyway they are not related to what we do when we are together. I have found a friend though, someone i can confide in, someone with whom i can share my hopes and fears. Someone i can be honest with. For me, Mrs secretive that is a big thing.

The other big thing for me is that finally, as i approach middle age (i read this week that middle age now starts at around 55, so i have a way to go), i am sexually fulfilled. If i say that sex has been one big let down i would not be lying. i always knew that there was more to explore, but i really didn't know just how much. When you read books, it is hard to tell how much is for real and how much is invented for the story. i didn't have much else to go on. Hubby and i were both virgins when we met, our sex life has been dull (particularly for me) and even when he strayed into an affair, little seemed to have been learned. It is not all about him, i have not been good at expressing my needs, i have not exactly encouraged us to find out what they are. He is more interested in his own needs than mine, but at the same time i have not really helped. I now know what i like, think i like and am pretty sure i will give most things a go (within reason). Steve has helped me to explore my inner slut, and boy is she beginning to show herself!

Our most recent conversations have been about the extent to which i am developing into something of a pain slut. Who knew that would be something i would embrace quite so well. He thinks a riding crop would be a good next step. i think why not? We have some dates for the next couple of meetings which always does wonders for morale, as for what we will do, where we might go and what scenarios may be played out who knows? I am sure there will be a corset, there will be some implement with which to spank me, there will be something to tie me to his lovely bed and there will be lots of kinky sex. Also though there will be nice food, laughter, chat about nothing in particular and there will be time snuggled together just touching and kissing.

I have loved the last 6 months Sir and i am looking forward to more.

30 Days of submission - Day 4

So we reach day 4, and the chance to explore whether or not i have any dominant tendencies of if i might want to switch.  I am going to split the question so it is easier to answer:

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? 

In terms of my relationship with Sir i am happy as things are, i have no desire to switch to any kind of dominance. Sir has no desire to be my submissive and i don't need any other submissive. At work, i am as i am and that is relatively dominant as befits the job i do. I have no young children to exert my authority on and things are calm.


If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? 

I am not in that kind of relationship with anyone, though as i have said a number of times i do rather more for hubby than is good for me or for him. But we are where we are. I have control of the finances since he hasn't bothered himself with internet banking. This does mean however i can buy a corset or sex toy and he is none the wiser if he doesn't see the post arrive.

Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

No. I came into this knowing who and what i was and wanted to be. That hasn't changed; can't see why it would. I like giving up control. I like placing my trust in Sir and long may it continue.

Message to Sir

This is not altogether slutty, but just to say i am 6lb closer to the corset....

 

 

30 Days of submission - Day 3

6 months ago i had hardly considered whether i was submissive or not  So for me this is an interesting question and one i have given quite a bit of thought to.

How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

The quick answer is that as soon as i started to research the whole are of Dominance and submission, i just knew that i was. The longer answer would be that once i started to research by reading articles, blogs and books, i found that i identified with submission so much that i was drawn towards it. When i met Sir and we started to do some of the things we had discussed online and on the phone, it felt like i was finding myself and could become the person i have been seeking to be through it. There is the sexual side to submission; giving myself to Sir's cock - particularly during anal sex or if i am kneeling to take him in my mouth - that feel submissive to me. i am turned on by the thoughts and the actions, but aroused more by the submissive nature of those acts. The same is true when i am restrained or if sir puts nipple clamps on me. On one hand the act itself is arousing, but the fact that it confirms my submission makes it feel more so. But submission is not just about sex and when we are together i find that i want to submit in other ways. i want to be told to do things and i want to be told what to wear. i don't live the lifestyle all of the time, so these things still have a sexual element to them, but i have the feeling that they are also integral to me, in that moment, and at that time.

So i have decided i am submissive but how really did i know? How, despite the fact that i can be a dominant character in other ways, did i know that i am not a dominant or even a switch. Perhaps it is because i have always felt that when i take a dominant role at work or even at home, that i am acting, i am taking on a role. Even though some of the submissive acts i take part in are role play, i don't feel that part of it is acting. The submission then feels in built. 

Why did it take so long to come out? Well i think the potential was there before, but i didn't act upon it. To begin with i didn't know, then there were other things going on and finally i tried not to consider it. i did however read up about various aspects of BDSM, i was curious but i wasn't sure that i could consider any aspect of it. 

In my marriage there have been opportunities for hubby to become dominant, i suspect at one time we might have developed TTWD as a couple. He liked to spank me from time to time, and often would hold me down during sex. But we never pursued it. Things happened in our relationship that damaged the way i viewed him and the way in which we pursued our sex life. Now our relationship feels pretty platonic. i don't feel submissive with him as i do with Sir, so maybe you have to be with the right person for that aspect of your personality to emerge.


 

Submissive personality?

What me?

i thought i would give the blog hop challenge over on Submissive guide a go this month. Never one to do things in advance, i am writing this today and the closing date is today. mind you, with the time difference, i still have 10 hours to go.

So the question is - Are you a quiet obedient submissive or is there an element of playful brattiness in your dynamic? How would you describe your submissive personality? How does your owner encourage or enhance who you are?

Master tells me that i am very submissive at times. i wear what he wants me to wear and generally do as he wants me to do even if what i am being asked to do is uncomfortable. i do these things because i want to and because i trust him and his judgement. Over the last 5 months (give or take a week or so) i have learned to submit more and more to his will. From the first time that i touched myself in a public place and told him that i was a slut, i have been thrilled at the idea of being owned in this way. i have dressed as a maid and taken photos of myself. i have dressed in a short skirt that just about covered my bare backside on more than on occasion, i have submitted to being tied to his bed and spanked. i have worn a butt plug to a meeting at work and to walk around a supermarket at lunch time. All of these things (and others) have been done with a minimum of argument.

However i am no walkover. i am not completely submissive in all of my life all of the time. Ok so i am not in a 24/7 relationship with Sir, but even so i do tell him when i think things are unreasonable, too painful or if i thing something just isn't possible. i meet him on my terms and we discuss things outside of the scenes we play as equals. I also have my home life, work, running the household etc. Sir would probably say i am much too submissive to hubby, as i do too many things he should do himself (laziness is his problem), but i do so for a quiet life. I spent too much of my marriage fighting and don't wish to do it anymore.

i love to be submissive, i know i am submissive by nature, but that doesn't mean that i don't have my own will or that i don't use it. What is great though is that Master continues to push me, to explore the things that i think i don't want to do and actually find i not only can but want to. i guess that is all part of the journey to find out who i am. What is more it is something i love!

Humiliation part two - the shopping trip

In part one of this adventure which can be found here i described how the slut in this story picked up a stranger from an airport coffee shop. The story continues below.

The guest house was the kind of place where people stay the night before their holiday particularly if they need to leave early in the morning for their flight and want to leave their car without paying airport car park charges. This couple were not the usual clientele, but were welcomed warmly none the less.

A couple of hours after check in, they emerged from the small shower cubicle together. Much had happened already. She had been collared and cuffed and made to kneel before him and take his big and very hard cock deep in her throat. She had welcomed his cock into her pussy, while she lay helpless, hands cuffed behind her back. Then he had taken her arse, something he knew she was particularly partial to. He was right! She had already lost count of how many times he had made her cum, but her pussy throbbed at the memory.

By the time they left the sanctity of their room to go in search of an indoor picnic at a local supermarket, she was wearing nipple clamps, her short dress and fuck me heels (higher than the ones she had picked him up in). Nothing else. She walked purposefully beside him. It was only a 10 minute walk away, and it is not unusual to see a woman wearing a short dress and heels on a hot summers evening. She was conscious the whole time though that she wore no underwear and that her nipples were clamped.

This man loves a bit of shopping it seams. He likes to wander back and forward while deciding what to eat and he loves a bargain. She pushed the trolley, found  a couple of reduced items which were greeted well and otherwise walked backwards and forwards either in front or behind him. Her nipples grew more and more painful but she found it a useful reminder of what had already happened, what would happen later and of course what she was.

At the back of the shop, she bent down to examine some wine (even though she was planning to stick to her no alcohol on a weeknight plan) and he took the opportunity to take a good look under her dress; to view her bare backside, her shaved pussy. To touch her.

Exciting the shop with their goodies they made their way though an alleyway towards the street where the guest house was situated. This was an excellent opportunity for Him to tell her to bend over and expose herself. Of course she did as she was told.

The walk back was painful. Her feet hurt; these shoes were not for walking. Plus she had insolently refused stockings for this trip as the ones he wanted her to wear would have looked ridiculous with the dress. Punishment is still to be given for this! In truth the stockings would have prevented the blister that formed on one of her feet. More painful still was that which emanated from her nipples. At the same time though she realised that this was a pain that also made her increasingly wet. A couple of times He tested this out by pinching her nipples and then touching her under her dress.

Once in the room he took full advantage of the feelings of humiliation, of arousal and of pain to complete his mission to make her submit to the needs of his once again hard and shiny cock. What is more she loved it.

Humiliation part one - the pick up

The journey was a hot one, a sunny day, the weather very warm. Her car, almost 8 years old was without air conditioning. It wasn't just the heat of the day though, the anticipation of what was to come added to the wetness which surrounded her lower body. The traffic was heavy, the road notorious for hold ups. The constant stopping and starting just added to the feelings of anticipation, after all, she was pretty eager to arrive.

The airport car park was busy, but finally she found a space on the 4th floor. Gathering her bag, and changing from flat sandals to heels she walked towards the lifts and the terminal building.

First stop was the ladies toilets. She needed to change from her sticky work clothes into something less heavy. Something short, something suitable for the occasion. Locking the cubicle door behind her she hung her bag from the hook on the wall and stripped off her skirt, top and bra (she was wearing no panties). She let all but the bra fall to the floor. Putting the bra inside the bag, she took out some stockings and a suspender belt bag and perched on the toilet. The stockings were smooth to the touch as she put them on. Running her hands up her legs, she shuddered slightly thinking about what was to come. Standing up in just stockings and shoes she set about attaching the suspender belt to the tops of the stockings. Lastly she took the little blue dress, and pulled it over her head, pulling it down to just below the tops of her stockings. She gathered up the work clothes and put them into her bag before emerging from the cubicle she headed towards the washbasins to apply her make up.

The airport had two terminals and she knew she was in the wrong one. She headed towards the monorail that connects them. She was excited, thrilled by what was about to happen, but at the same time nervous. Her dress was short, only just covering her bare newly shaved pussy, the air conditioning within the building made her feel cool for the first time in hours even though heat permeated from that area of her body.

The people around her were mainly casually dressed. Travel clothes, loose, cool. Some wore trousers, others shorts. No one appeared to be wearing heels, stockings. She wondered if anyone would look at her and notice. But actually no one appeared to. 

Within minutes she emerged from the train, along with a throng  of holiday makers with their heavy suitcases and strolled along the moving walkway towards her destiny. She reached a junction and rather than walk towards the check in desks as the people with suitcases did she took the route towards the arrivals hall.

This area was quieter than the monorail or the departure area and contained a number of coffee shops and other retail outlook. Ahead was a set of stairs, she climbed them slowly, but purposefully, mindful that a workman in a fluorescent jacket was standing within view and that there was a good chance he might be able to see up her short dress.

The coffee shop seating area was empty except for one man who was seated at the back by the wall. He glanced up over his reading glasses as she walked towards the counter and their eyes met. He was a smart looking traveller; wearing a light brown linen suit and a patterned silk shirt. This looked like an opportunity.

She bought a bottle of sparkling water from the counter, then taking the bottle and a glass walked to an adjacent seating area and sat down on the padded black seat. Having poured the water, she took a sip and looked across. He was looking at her. She looked down at her legs and pulled her dress up slightly so he could see her stocking tops and opened her legs a little, leaving him with no doubt what kind of a girl she was and what he could expect from her.

The minutes passed, she observed a group of airport police, complete with guns and a dog. Thinking she had better be less obvious. She swapped chairs thinking that this would give him a better view, without any chance of the police noticing but then found that the chairs in front of her prevented this. She also noticed that she was in full view of what seemed to be a staff room; she moved back. She didn't want to expose herself to them while hiding herself from her target.

She finished her drink, gathered her belongings and headed back down the stairs. Glancing behind she was pleased to see he was behind her. Back through the airport, a  short stop in the book shop, he was behind her all the way. Just before the monorail she stopped and he stopped right behind her. She asked him if he was following her and he smiled a lovely smile and agreed he was. He offered her a small cloth bag which he said she had left behind. Actually she hadn't but looking inside and seeing an array of adult toys she took the bag and agreed that indeed she had left it in the cafe.

Standing waiting for the train she felt a hand touching her leg, it travelled up her stocking top and briefly touched her bare bottom. She shivered with excitement enjoying the touch of his hand, before remembering that this was crowded place and that she didn't know this man and moving forward slightly. The train arrived and she stood facing the exit door. She could feel him standing close, his hands lifting her dress. Moisture erupted from her pussy as a cool breeze swept across her backside. She shook him off before edging back towards him for more. She wanted and needed this man and he seemed to want her,

She walked towards the lift to the car park and he followed. Inside the lift they were alone, they faced each other. Now he took her in his arms, kissed her and put his hands openly up her dress and felt her hot wet pussy. He asked her what she was at the airport for. She told him truthfully that she was there to find a man and he was the one. He told her he was a traveller and that he had been in a remote place where sexy women were far and few between. She observed his small rucksack and thought this unlikely.

They got into the front seats of the car, she in the driver seat, since this was her car and he again touched what would very soon become rightfully his. She was already close to the edge, could easily have cum there and then. But he took his hand away and instead undid the zip on his trousers. It was obvious what he wanted and she was happy to oblige.

In the middle of the 4th floor of the car park she leaned down and took his large, hard, smooth cock in her mouth.

One day

One day until i see Sir. We have chatted a lot this week about what we will do tomorrow. We are meeting in a public place as strangers (no details until after the event) then going to the place we have arranged to stay. Because we have had time, we have fine tuned the scene and our roles within it. i am pretty sure however that i will be one of the only people there wearing stockings on a baking hot day, mind you they will be flesh coloured so people probably won't know. Humiliation will be involved (you would expect no less from me) and i will be able to demonstrate that i am Sir's slut. This picture gives some idea of what my morning thoughts have been about today and what i am thinking about doing tomorrow (among other things).

i am pleased to say i have been pretty rigid when it comes to following my planned diet and fitness plan, and that has paid off. i have lost 4lb in weight. i have managed to meet all of the goals i set for the week and plan to increase the aerobic exercise to 4 times this week (though may end up calling events with Sir one of them)! I am so pleased i managed not to slip up on the alcohol front, especially as work was so busy. i have slipped into a routine whereby if i have a hectic day i reward myself with a glass of wine. Trouble is i follow it with another and then over half the bottle is gone (i know i need smaller glasses). i have had no wine at all this week and instead have had a couple of gin and tonics on Friday and Saturday. i feel better for it and intend carrying this on for the foreseeable future. I was very proud of myself when a work colleague brought cakes in for their birthday and i didn't even go and look at them. For next week i hope to keep this up, take my lunch in to work every day and to go out for a quick walk each lunchtime.

Today and tomorrow i will reaffirm my submission to myself by wearing no panties. i know Mrs Soft Bottom is exploring this side of herself and has for the first time gone to work commando. i have discovered that not only is having all my girly bits naked kind of invigorating i find it a reminder, all day long that i am doing this for Him and that i am His submissive. Soon i will be a slightly slimmer submissive who can wear my lovely corset for Him with pride.

Choices and their consequences

This has been a real summer of fun for me. Ever since those first online chats with Sir, where we flirted, played out a fantasy scene and then carried things on by phone, i have had the best time. Our real life relationship has mainly been about my learning to submit while enjoying some fabulous and wonderfully kinky sex.

Tori's post today on her blog Pain's Pleasure got me thinking about myself and TTWD (as Fondles would call it), and those who live the lifestyle full time. It got me wondering if any of us really think that this is just for fun; something that is just a game.

When i am with Sir, i have chosen to arrive at the place we have decided to meet at the given time. I have done this in the knowledge that there are expectations placed upon me that have been discussed in advance. i submit to those willingly since this is a consentual arrangement. Sir is not big on punishment, but at the same time i am never sure whether i might be spanked, clamped or restrained. i never know where Sir is going to chose to put his cock next. i relax into the submission, i am compliant, i submit to humiliation; to situations that wouldn't normally be part of what i would do.

I can always choose what i want to do, but everything i do has consequences.

My home life is quite different, and yet within it i also submit. This submission is more domestic in nature. i shop, cook, clean, wait on and clear up. i have made choices in my life that have led to this position. Those choices though have had consequences. i am still married, but the life i lead is not particularly fulfilling. To a certain extent i do as i wish, but at the same time i am always thinking about what the consequences will be. No one here will spank me, call me a slut or a whore, or expect me to kneel down before them. But that does not mean that i don't consider what i do and the consequences of my actions.

I have come to realise that real life is not a game, it is not a dress rehearsal it is real and it has consequences.

On Monday, i will meet up with Sir. We will have fun, we will have a good time (i hope). The scenes we are planning in  public places have potential consequences both in the moment and in the longer term. Failure to submit, if i choose has consequences as does the decision i make to be the slut he desires.

 The tales i have had to spin at home have consequences, but actually i do need fun and games in my life. BUT i always know that everything i do is not without its potential consequences.