A good place

This girl feels very calm right now.

She has spent most of the last week with her Master and has been subject to His calming influence and to His power and control. This girl has made few decisions, and when she has, they have been in the knowledge that He isn't far away. Even today when we have been apart, He hasn't been far from this girl's thoughts and that helps keep her on the right path.

This morning, shortly after waking, Master took possession of this girl. He had already instructed her to give Him a number of orgasms and then He took her arse for the first time in a few weeks. It was a fitting end to a wonderful week. This girl can still feel where He has been, as she writes this blog post over 12 hours later.

The challenge now, as this girl returns to work tomorrow and encounters the stresses of both work and home, is to maintain this calm feeling. To prevent that feeling of happiness falling away too quickly and not allow those who may cause this girl to feel anxious and doubt herself from doing so.

Today this girl was complimented by her dad on the way she handled one or two put down comments from her mum. In the past this girl was quick to react to such comments, but today she acted differently. She acted instead, in the way she and Master have discussed. She felt proud. Of the comments, and that if Master had been there, that He would have been pleased with her.

This girl has a number of things she needs to focus on in the coming months to make the changes that are necessary to her life. She knows that being calm and organised is part of the key to being successful in making these changes. She knows that she needs to make something of a plan. She needs Master's help in doing this and in helping keep her on track.

This girl needs to learn how to keep within this good place even when she and Master aren't together, even when He can't see her. That is the challenge.

Moody Slut

That is the only thing that can describe this girl. A day can start off really well, nothing in particular might upset her, but then without warning and without delay, the bottom appears to fall out of it.

Yesterday was one of those days. This girl had a reasonable day at work. Achieved some useful outcomes (as they love to call things you do in this girls line of work), and even indulged in some retail therapy at lunchtime.

Suddenly though at 3pm or so, this girl began to feel her mood slipping. It was as if one of the death eaters from a Harry Potter book had suddenly sat beside her. This girl's energy slumped, and if anyone had said anything at all annoying or upsetting tears would have emerged.

By the time this girl got home this girl felt like she was in the worst depression ever. This is hard for this girl to describe, since these feelings are pretty alien. This girl is not someone who, thankfully, has been affected by this kind of thing in the past. Even after having a baby, the blues was all she had. Ok, so some of the PMT this girl has suffered has caused family to keep a wide birth, but that was never as sudden and dramatic. And anyway there was no danger of an angry outburst, just tears.

Well actually the outburst came in the form of mad and crazy messages sent to Master, who was in the middle of dealing with another problem in His life. In the course of 20 mins, this girl had told Master that she wanted to end their relationship and that she didn't 4 or 5 times. That was just in the messages that actually got sent.

Luckily He took all of this in His stride and this girl and Master were able to talk things through and finally laugh about things later.

This girl still hasn't been to see the doctor about HRT and knows she needs to do that. Plus they discussed whether this girl needs a snack at 3pm as it is usually mid afternoon when these things occur. They also discussed the loss of control and panic which engulfs this girl from time to time and how that might be linked to her submission. That when this girl reaches out and Master is not around, what happens and how this girl might take steps to prevent feeling as she did yesterday.

One thing is for sure, this girl hates those feelings and hates to be moody. What is more, she hates the thought of sending messages to Master, that he could take seriously. This girl feels she needs to get a grip!

Letting go

The last couple of weeks have been both wonderful and a little odd for this girl. On the one hand, she has been lucky enough to see lots of Master, times in bed, a little play and out having a good time together. But on the other, Master and this girl had not discussed the whole Master / slave situation. He asked this girl to become His slave when He was thousands of miles away and straight away she knew it was what she wanted, needed even. A couple of new rituals were introduced, but other than that little changed.

Yesterday, despite having been with Master the previous evening and going to bed feeling really happy and relaxed, this girl got up with a real knot in her insides. The feelings of anxiety were, she knew, about some unsaid things between she and Master. It is not as if there won't be time to say those things in the next few days, especially given that this girl and Master are off away for a few days at the weekend. But for some reason the feelings of anxiety and even distress grew.

Last night, at last (not really many hours, but a long time when your insides are in knots), this girl and Master discussed her submission and some important things about their relationship with each other. This girl was able to describe what her submission means to her and what she needs from Him. She was also able to say how she feels both when they are together and when apart.

In Master's presence, this girl is able to trust implicitly in Him. She relaxes in His presence in a way she doesn't any where else right now. His very touch is enough to calm, His look enough to stop her words and even outside thoughts. His commands have an immediate effect. She feels that she is totally and completely owned by Him and happy with everything about that.

Most of the time when not together, this girl feels fine. She still knows who owns her and increasingly she goes about her life considering what He would think of what she was doing. Choices are increasingly made on that basis. This is particularly true in the way this girl acts and behaves with others. She is increasingly mindful of what He would say if He were present, would he tell her she was a good girl, or maybe being a little bratty?

From time to time though, and yesterday was like a bolt from the blue, this girl feels like a rug has been pulled from under her and that she needs Him to catch her from falling. Of course yesterday He wasn't there, it was some time before He knew there was anything wrong, and even if He had known He probably wouldn't have known He needed to do anything at all, if indeed He could.

Master and this girl discussed these feelings and possible causes. This girl is currently going through the menopause, and it seems likely that this is a major factor. But on top of this, it is clear that this girl was anxious about some things she would like to influence, perhaps even control, but actually doesn't need to. External factors to this girl's life. Things that will happen whether or not this girl intervenes. Things that actually this girl has no real right or need to intervene in. They discussed this girl's need to let go of those things and to let what happens, just, happen.

This girl has been someone who tried to control and influence, even when those things were neither asked for or desired. It is part of that need to help, to nurture, to make people happy.

In truth the only people this girl needs to make happy are herself, a very small circle of family and most importantly her Master. That is what this girl will focus on for now.

At the weekend Master and this girl will discuss some more contractual things about their relationship. But right now all this girl needs to know is how much this girl is cared for and what she needs to do to please Him.

Too Needy?

I seem to be in a chicken / egg situation. Right now, I feel as if I need help, support, attention even. What I can't work out is this:

Is the neediness because I have so much going on in my life? Is it because I have begun to share my problems with another and let go of so much of the power and control? Is it because my submissive side is emerging and so I need the Dominant person to support me or else I feel I can't cope?

Whatever the reason, this morning I woke feeling anxious and yes, needy.

For a reason, not yet clear, the time I thought I was going to spend with Him last night, didn't happen.

This morning, as well as the anxiety I feel when He goes 'off line' as it were, I also feel as if perhaps I am too needy. I start to believe I need to pull back the control of myself, since this feeling is far too scary to cope with.

What is happening to me?

End of a difficult week - what this girl has learnt

This girl's emotions have been all over the place this week. It is still hard to imagine how it is that this girl can feel almost euphoric one moment and then anxious, afraid and tearful the next. What this girl has learnt this week though is that rather than always covering up her feelings and just trying to cope, there is usually someone in life who will help you through. Or of course share the good things in life.

The contact with Master has helped, even when we have discussed difficult issues. He is an amazing source of sensible strength to this girl. Plus His wry and often a little left of centre, sense of humour makes this girl laugh even when she is feeling down.

As this girl has mentioned before, she doesn't always find it easy to make friends. But suddenly this girl is making new friends in new ways. Ones who she doesn't have to hide certain areas of her life from. This girl is discovering a network of people who can support each other and share times, both good and bad.

Being there for family is easier when you are being supported by others, whether they are friends, family or Master. This girl's dad has deteriorated a little more, and yesterday was spent in a hospital trying to get his pain management sorted out (thankfully with success). While this girl was tired when she got home, she felt that something good will come of the day. In the past, given that hubby and son were home, she would have passed up the chance of an hour with Master. But having realised what is important to this girl's well being and to His, she didn't do that. As the relationship with hubby moves to yet a different phase - one where he has to recognise this girl has other important people in her life who are not part of his - that was an important step.

So the weekend approaches. This time this girl will mix getting things done with having some fun with friends and also with family. Tonight a chance to see a nephew and niece that this girl doesn't see often enough.

Then after the weekend, Master will be on His way home. For the first time she can be His slave in person.

This girl kind of can't wait for that, but knows she must be patient.

Vulnerability and emotions

I have rarely been the kind of person to show my vulnerable side, to let people see that I hurt. Indeed in recent years, even when falling apart inside, I rarely cried. People were more likely to see me display other emotions such as irritation or anger. Often people may have wrongly labelled me and definitely people have found me a little unapproachable, scary even.

Over the course of many years, I have built barriers around me. Scared that by showing my vulnerabilities people would see me as weak and unable to cope with the normal problems life throws at you.

Slowly though, with the help of friends and of my Master, those barriers, walls even are coming down. For someone not necessarily used to the feelings that accompany this, I am finding that I am more fearful than perhaps I was. Fearful of allowing my more vulnerable side to show when I don't really want or need that to happen. In the past I rarely cried, I hardly ever felt close to tears, now it almost feels that they are just waiting there all of the time.

Yesterday morning, after an almost sleepless night - the knowledge hubby was about to reappear after several days away, too much thinking on my part, a feeling that my productive weekend hadn't quite been fun enough, while Master was off enjoying His - I got into the shower. Suddenly and without warning I started to cry. While the water washed off of my body, tears ran down my face. For a few seconds, I felt stupid. What did I have to cry about? But then, I just let it happen, let my anxieties and fears fall away. After drying myself, I stood in front of the mirror naked and re-marked myself. I told my reflection out loud that this girl, this slut, belongs to her Master (this is a new rule), and tried to get those negative thoughts from my head. Suddenly I felt stronger. More able to face the day. There is definitely something about reaffirming to myself that I am owned by Him that helps me. Added to this the text I received from Him reaffirming that I am not completely alone helped me feel ready to face the day. A coffee which I grabbed on the way into work helped wake up my brain and face a day in the office.

Last evening after work, I got my time with Master. We discussed how I have been feeling and again the tears felt close, but didn't emerge. Just seeing him and feeling His support and understanding of my needs made me feel stronger. It wasn't that I didn't feel I shouldn't cry if I needed to, it was that suddenly I didn't need to.

I am vulnerable right now, and I acknowledge that. But with the support of my friends and my Master I will emerge stronger and more able to deal with what life throws at me, perhaps without seeming unapproachable or in the least scary!

Thoughts for a Saturday morning

At last this girl got to chat with her Master again last night. As she did so, she marvelled at the delights of Skype. Indeed this girl spent a lot of time on Skype last night since afterwards she also chatted to her friend destiny, but more of that later.

For a while, this girl chatted to Master fully clothed, even though He wasn't - but then he hadn't actually got dressed yet. This girl told Him about her day and other events. Eventually this girl asked Him about their conversation on Tuesday. The conversation when they discussed this girl's status as His submissive and when He asked her if she was ready to be His slave.

This girl was instructed to show Him her mark, which of course she did. He seemed pleased with it, even though it seemed to have worn off a bit during the day, despite the apparent permanent ink. At this point she also took off her top, she hadn't actually been wearing much anyway. Master quizzed this girl about the things she had been doing and the extent to which she felt that they were carried out for Him - this is something this girl wrote about yesterday on her journey page - she told him how much that was the case and described some examples. They also discussed a blog post this girl is going to write later, one which is difficult for this girl to do and which became one of her tasks for today. This girl imagines that He loves a slave who works out her own tasks! The second one will be more physical and was set by Him. It is to do with the final clear out of the spare room, one which can mean that this girl removes hubby from the marital bed once and for all.

Master knows that while this job was started last week, this girl might continue to procrastinate for a while if He did not suggest that she get on with it. What is more, pretty much telling her to get on with it this weekend is important. If this girl wants to be His slave then she knows that she needs to do it. She also knows this is part of His way of moving her along towards the marriage end, and this is something this girl really needs to happen now.

Finally this girl and Master got onto the topic of orgasms. She is now allowed to have as many orgasms as she needs until He returns from his trip, but is expected to tell him about them after (this girl has further clarified that details are required which will be fun). This girl wondered if she should restrict the orgasms going forward, but the look on His face told her that this was not what He wanted. This girl knows that actually Master believes it is good for His girl to orgasm as she needs to and this girl feels that she might have an increased need after all. It is just she needs to be mindful of the piercings so as not to become too sore.

This girl then spent a wonderful couple of hours with her friend destiny. We two girls are starting to get to know each other well and at present are both separated from our Masters. This girl is finding having someone like destiny around is becoming important to her, especially as they can offer each other a slightly different perspective and understanding on their submission to each other. While we are very different people in terms of our personalities, we are trying to get to the same point. This girl is learning to be less overpowering to people (though she didn't ever necessarily feel the confidence she seems to show), while destiny is learning to have greater confidence to take more control over certain aspects of her life. This girl thinks that the friendship they are beginning to share will only grow as time goes on.

Now this girl had better get out of bed and on with the tasks she must do today. After all she wants to know what her Master is pleased with her and that she is a good girl. His good girl.

Communication in relationships - is D/s different?

Yesterday, after visiting my parents - my dad is feeling a little stronger now, even though he will need some radiotherapy on his back after all - I spent time with my sister in law.

In truth she is an ex, since she and my brother are no longer married. She is in another relationship now, one where there has been a great deal of lying by omission. We spent 3 hours and I drank 3 cups of coffee (something I never usually do these days) discussing and analysing both our marriages and her current relationship. The common theme was a lack of communication, or an inability to find a common way to communicate with each other. The difficulties I have experienced in trying to communicate effectively with hubby are well documented here and so I won't repeat myself. But I have been wondering about the common threads for us both and how, if at all they are different in my current relationship with Sir.

My brother caused my sister in law great pain. He was unfaithful, he became addicted to cocaine and in order to support that habit he spent a great deal of money that they didn't have. He lied. In the end she called a halt to things and he left. Soon after she got together with someone she had known before her marriage. 5 years on, while he spends most nights with her, he also spends part of each day at a home that he shares with his sister. She apparently suffers from severe depression and he feels a great responsibility for her care. The problem is that my sister in law is desperate for him to prioritise her, and to commit to her. He has omitted to tell her the reasons he feels so responsible for his sister, whose call he always jumps to, often without telling his partner. The  means he may go out for half an hour, and not return for hours or longer. No matter how hard she tries she can't get to the root of the problem, and she can't get him to articulate his long term intentions. She fears that if she does nothing, in another 5 years she will be in the same position. We agreed that the thought processes and actions of the men in our lives often puzzle us and that somehow it left us feeling like failures.

Driving home though, I began to think about the past 3 months with Sir. About how open we have needed to be about ourselves and our needs. About how well we need to know and trust each other. In particular how much I need to be able to trust him in order to submit to him and to release myself into his care. Of course, this still feels a little one sided, since in order to be his submissive I have opened myself up much more than perhaps he has. To a certain extent he has tried to protect me from his other relationship, but bit by bit details do emerge. The ability to try not to judge what is revealed to you seems important, though very very hard at times. Especially when you know what it is you want, but also know that might not be what you have to accept in the end.

Sometimes it feels we have known each other for so much longer than 3 months and that is something both of us keep reminding the other of. But the depth of understanding and of trust in our relationship already feels greater than hers after 5 years. The other sad thing is, that while my brother is now clean and is in a new relationship too, that isn't very happy either. I can't help thinking that this couple could have remained together and in love if only there had been more honesty and understanding of each others needs. What I do know is that none of them have fulfilment in their lives and that is sad.

Despite my problems, and the uncertainty about my longer term relationship with Sir, I feel submission is bringing me a freedom to communicate in a way that can only be positive and help me be the person I want to be and in a relationship that is right. In the end I will have inner peace and happiness, but will they?

Feeling better at last

During the past week my mood and feeling of well being has swung between happiness and despair; well that's how it has felt. Just over a week ago I spent the most amazing evening with Sir and was as happy as can be. I had also been as submissive as I possibly ever had been.

This morning, I felt as if I was starting to return to as close to that state as I can be without having Him here and without the aid of orgasms or toys. I feel that I need to devote a bit of time at the weekend to getting myself back to the mind frame of being 'this girl'. 

After an anxious week with my dad we had some good news that the cancer is not as we feared in his spine and he has now rallied a bit. I am looking forward to giving he and my mum some time at the weekend.

This week I have had little contact with Sir. Knowing in advance that this would be the case hasn't helped as my mood, and feelings have swung wildly. At times I have wanted to tell him I don't think I can handle this kind of absence and his other relationship. But at other rational times I have recognised that is what I knew I was getting into and since I want to be in a relationship with Him then this is what I will of course be prepared to do.

Also this week I have been for relationship counselling. This is about ending my marriage and in one way was useful. It helped  me clarify where I have got to in ending my marriage. But it is very difficult to think about that relationship in isolation especially when my mind is on Sir and the relationship complications that brings with it.

The weekend feels a positive place. To take stock and to look forward. It is a place to acquaint myself with my submission. I just hope that I am able to have more contact with Him than an email or text. Otherwise, I don't know how long this good feeling will last!

Meltdown

The evening started well enough. The first time hubby and I had spent any time together for a week or so. Dinner was cooking, and we sat down to have a drink together. We talked about family issues, of which there are a number right now. We got onto the subject of his parents, and I commented (once again) that he needed to talk to them about our relationship, particularly given that our wedding anniversary approaches - one we won't be celebrating. It was then that hubby articulated that he thought we would at least spend the evening together on that day, have dinner, after all it will be 30 years. I told him I will be away, out of the country.

The next couple of hours are a stress filled blur. Voices (mine) were raised, unkind things were said by us both and we both lashed out at each other. His was more about throwing my laptop and standing over me, squaring up. Mine was about me actually physically lashing out as he appeared to try to grab me. Then there were tears, lots and lots of tears.

I have not cried about that relationship at all, and I sat on my own, upstairs wondering why now? I desperately wanted to speak to Sir, but he was preparing to leave today. We exchanged a few texts and I told him a little of things with hubby. I didn't tell him I was in full meltdown. Particularly when the realisation dawned that the whole hubby thing happened when it did for a reason. The tears were not for hubby and for our relationship as it dies. The tears were because suddenly I felt alone, with no one to turn to.

In fact a couple more texts from Sir cheered me up and I pulled myself together. The hubby thing is far from resolved, and Sir still leaves today. But I slept quite well and when I was in that half sleep half wakeful time I was able to regain that feeling of calmness I have had recently. Regain the feeling of submission, remember the piercings, remember that I am marked by Sir's pen.

Ok, so he hasn't actually left these shores yet, and he did help me out with the texts, but there was no conversation in person.

I think I can cope, I can remember even when the going gets tough. This time is going to be a test, I am going to think things I don't want to think, but I will get through it.

I am this girl. Sir's girl.

Who are you?

This girl lay stroking His Cock while he played with her nipples. she had already orgasmed a number of times, giving him all that she had. She felt the need to cum rise up in her again and pressed herself against his leg. He told her to hold it. He began to count, not from 5 or 10 this time, but 20. All the time he played with her nipples, those very very sensitive pierced nipples. She let herself sink into her own subconscious. She stopped thinking, instead she listened to his voice, the counting. She was aware of his cock growing in her hand. She looked into his eyes. Just as she began to allow the orgasm rise in her at the count of 2 he said "one and a half", but then 1 and CUM.

Who are you? He asked when she had given Him that huge orgasm and had on his instructions kept it coming.

Who was she?

This girl. she was this girl. she was also this slut, this bitch, this whore. She was His submissive. She is this girl.

He smiled. He loves the feeling of power this gives to Him. This girl likes to know that she had given herself, all of herself to Him. So much so, that at these moments she no longer has a name.

Sir doesn't really think this girl is joolz any more. Not the joolz you read about earlier in this blog. she is inclined to agree. The changes have been subtle but they are visible all the same. Visible to this girl in her daily life. Visible to Sir when he talks to her, when they are out and about together. Perhaps they are less visible to the outsider but increasingly this girl feels her submission during her every waking hour. She seeks and finds a calmness that wasn't there before. He says she is still a very different person when dealing with family matters, perhaps that is true, but this girl can feel a shift in the way she wants to handle that part of her life. She needs to feel this calmness much more. And she knows she will.

This blog is still called "The world of Joolz". Yesterday,  I was doing a little bit of tidying up on the front page, rewriting some of the text in the side bar. I was tempted to change the name of the blog. I don't feel like Joolz any more. However, its what others know me as, though some of you also know me as Julie. Plus, what does the name of the blog actually matter? Plus, if at times I have no name then it matters even less. What matters is who I belong to, and that part is pretty clear.

This girl's submission

This has been a holiday weekend, plus, this girl has tagged a couple of extra days on so that she has a good break from work. That means that Sir and this girl have been able to spend 3 nights together.

This morning we lay in bed until very late. This girl commented on how calm she felt; how she is able to lie next to Sir and just be. Of course that being, involves Sir playing with His girl as He wants.  

This girl and Sir discussed recent blog posts, the effect of the piercings on her submission; they have made her feel her submission so much more. Sir likes this effect on this girl. This weekend has marked 3 months since Sir and this girl first met. It is also the last weekend that they can spend together for a while. This morning was important to us both, hence the reluctance to get out of bed. 

We discussed those first few dates and the way that Sir knew that this girl wanted to submit. The look He saw in her eyes and the feelings that this girl had during that time. We also discussed the fact that this girl thought she knew all about submission at that time but since then she has leant so very much.

What this girl knew about was sexual submission. Something important to both of us.  She knew about giving herself to a Dominant, however right then she didn't know just how deep that submission could reach, how important it could be to her. She didn't understand how important ownership of a girl's orgasms were. How by giving up control could liberate her. She had no idea that it was possible to orgasm with little or no physical contact. She certainly does now.

In the past this girl has thought about piercings, however she had no idea that those piercings could take her deeper than she could imagine. That by admitting that they belonged to another they would give her a sense of fulfilment that she could only dream of. Being owned by another is so much more important to this girl than she knew. It is only a week since they were done, but already that much is clear.

But submission is not just about sex. It is about how an individual lives their life. Sir and this girl talked about the post regarding rules. Sir asked if this girl thought she needed more rules, perhaps tasks. But they agreed she does not. what she needs is to be able to live her life in the way that she knows Sir would be pleased with.  The rules don't need to be created, they exist in this girl's normal life. She knows how she should deal with situations at work and home, she knows the things she needs to do. Sir knows that too and by actually living in that way she knows that Sir will be pleased with her.

This girl faces a difficult few weeks. Sir will be away, He will be concentrating on the other important person in His life. This girl has had most of His attention for the past few months and now His attention must shift. This girl must be mindful of this and concentrate on being the submissive he wants and needs.  She needs to abide by the rules that are not actually articulated but exist. She must be His good girl. Only by doing these things will this girl be the submissive she desires and needs to be.

Mood swings, but coping

This girl is trying to prepare for the next month by coping better with her feelings. The highs lately have been very high, but then the lows are very very low.

It isn't anything very serious that drags this girl down either. It seems to be very little things. Last night it was coming home from my book club to find the curtains and blinds sill open, hubby asleep on the sofa, the kitchen in a mess. This morning it was hubby having a late start. It can be Sir not responding to my texts. It is stupid things.

This week this girl has been trying to focus much more on parts of the day. Using lists to get her through, concentrating on tasks - at work, at home. After a rocky start and grumpiness with Sir on Monday, this girl has been concentrating and trying much harder.  She has got lots done at work with another day to come tomorrow. She has hubby here tonight but feels positive. As Sir would say - Girl, it can be done.

.............................

The piercings are going pretty well.

The nipples are generally sore, but they are clean and dry and don't look as sore as they feel. The regular pain this week has helped to keep this girl centred. To remind her that she is submissive and that she has done this to please him, to enhance the pain and pleasure for them both and also for her. 

The clitoral hood, well that was most painful on the day and gives no pain. However this girl is already in a constant state of arousal. This will be the thing He uses to remind her and anyway, how will she forget if she is constantly wet!!!

......................

The weekend approaches. This girl knows they will have fun. She knows it is their last weekend together for a while. But she knows managing her moods will be the key. Over the coming weeks this girl will need to focus to remember her submission and to control those moods. She will cope.

Used

That sums up this weekend for this girl; a slut, used by her Sir.

It has been a long holiday weekend here in the UK and it has been a busy one.  On Friday, this girl headed off to the south west of the country for a family lunch. In the absence of a husband or son accompany to her this girl's niece who is 16 kept her company in the car. This was as well, as all of the warnings about Easter weekend traffic came to bear. A 2 hour journey became 4 hours. However, it was worth the journey as the food and company was superb. The late arrival, however meant that this girl and Sir didn't get to see each other until Saturday.

Sir had obviously spend some of that time thinking through how He wanted to use this girl; she wasn't disappointed.

When this girl arrived at Sir's house, He took immediate possession of this girls body. Undoing her clothes and touching her. Without being told to, since she knew it was what He wanted, this girl stripped.

This girl knelt on the bed, her ankles shackled, a spreader bar keeping her legs wide. Sir inserted a butt plug (a larger one than usual), a dildo into her cunt and demanded some orgasms using the hitachi.  This girl was flogged, maybe whipped (who knows which of his implements he was using) as the pain and pleasure merged. Later He used the violet wand on her, or perhaps before, this girl always has difficulty in identifying the order things happen in. This girl definitely experienced more pain than before but knows that she can and will take more in the future. Finally, Sir fucked this girl, using her cunt and arse before cumming in her mouth. This girl felt incredibly used and ever more horny for knowing that it was for His pleasure.

This girl feels her submission so much more when He gives the impression that He is just taking what is His. When he tells her she is a slut, a whore or his favourite; a bitch. Even when He told her she was useless fuckmeat she felt proud, fulfilled. This girl now cums for her Sir, just because she is feeling used. Sometimes He isn't actually touching her when this happens.

Essentially this girl is just a possession of His, to use as He wants. What is more, she just loves it.

This was playing on the radio as this girl drove home:

The sound of silence

When this girl thought of this topic she thought of this track. On YouTube she found this.

This is a beautiful version and the first of this song. Ok, so the words don't quite fit what this girl wants to say, but this girl likes it and in a way it feels right.

.....................................

This girl, in her normal state can speak quite a lot. She often needs to fill the spaces between dialogue. This may well irritate people, it would be correct to say that even this girl gets annoyed by the sound of her own voice.

Today this girl identified two distinct ways in which this verbal diarrhoea occurs: firstly when she has something very important to say and secondly when she is in a very anxious state. The trouble is, that sometimes even this girl can't tell the difference.

Submission appears to bring this girl a new way of being. 

It is possible to be calm and relaxed, it is possible not to always need to speak. There is nothing wrong in needing to speak when there is something important to say. There is nothing wrong in sharing news etc. But there is no need to speak for the sake of it.

Luckily, Sir is someone who likes the sound of silence. He is content to just be, to live in the moment. 

This girl is finding that she likes that place too. She finds with This Man, This Sir that she can be a less talkative person and be happy with that. 

Lately it takes less time for this girl to get into the place where that can happen and both this girl and Sir are very happy with that.

Happy girl

That is what this girl is; happy.

After the frustrations of Thursday and my post on Friday, things were soon sorted out. In fact He texted this girl before he had read my blog on Friday morning, suggesting He come over on Friday night. Of course this girl jumped at the chance.

Sometimes this girl wonders why she gets so wound up by a situation, though tiredness last week probably didn't help. Work is busy and challenging and this girl is exhausted by Friday. The good news is from May 1st she is reducing her hours and will only work a four day week. This is going to be important moving forward for all areas of this girl's life.

This girl cooked dinner on Friday night and then Sir and this girl spent some time chatting and generally groping. There was some very good sex later in the evening. The chat did cover the problems that occured on Thursday and earlier in the week. This girl knows she should deal with them before they get on top of her and will definitely try to do that. What is more, Sir spanked this girl at the beginning of the evening, and that definitely put this girl back into her submissive place.

Before meeting Sir, this girl was invariably up early on weekend mornings, after all what was there to keep her in bed? Weekend mornings with Sir are somewhat different.

This girl no longer needs to jump out of bed. She is not restless or in any hurry to start the day, rather she is happy to just be with Him. In whatever way He pleases her or she is able to do the same for Him, she is just happy to be there. This is definitely new to this girl.

This girl is by nature someone who is often considering the next thing she must do, while still finishing off what she is doing now. It is interesting then, that being in Sir's presence has such and effect on her. That his very being, puts her into her submissive space. That she is so calm.

This girl has grown used to being in that place of a weekend. On Thursday night she thought she would see little of Him over the weekend and that because of that, she would find it difficult to get into the right submissive space. This perhaps made her a little bratty. It turned out something different happened. But since they can't always be together this girl needs to think about how to be a happy submissive sub at the weekends even when He is not there with her.

The piercings this girl intends to get in 2 weeks time will help. But that will be another story.

Communication

I am beginning to think that perhaps I am really terrible at communicating. That I don't express myself properly to those around me, that perhaps what I think should be said and indeed, has been said has actually happened in my head. That even when I try to communicate with those around me, the responses are not what I want or expect and so perhaps I apply my own interpretation to them.

This week, I have spent one evening with hubby. We have texted a little, but are no closer to understanding where we are going. I apply my understanding - that very soon we will have ceased to be husband and wife. He applies his - that if we see little of each other then at some point soon I will change my mind. Most mornings this week, he has crept in a 5ish, got dressed for work, laid down beside me and then half an hour later left, without speaking. He doesn't speak, as I told him I hated being disturbed at that kind of hour. But what I really meant was - don't turn up at 5 in the morning, I don't want you here at all and certainly not then. Have I actually told him that? I thought I had, but perhaps not!

My communication with Graeme this week, has mainly been one way. I leave him a message on yahoo, he doesn't respond. I leave another. I text him, he doesn't respond. He sends me a text, I reply with 2 or 3. He has been preoccupied all week with other things in his life. I have anxieties about those distractions that make me fearful, but of course I struggle to express this.

I miss the constant communication we seemed to have a week or two ago, but have I actually discussed with him how we might best communicate and when? No, of course not. We skyped the other evening for quite a long time and of course that should be sufficient, but is it? Of course not. Have I told him this? No.

Last night we were out together, we were seeing what was a great film from the silent era. Sadly the film was ruined for us both by some loud, live music which didn't fit the film one bit. He was much more irritated and disturbed by this whole thing than I was, and so we spent time we might have discussed other things talking about that. Then at dinner, a couple next to us appeared to be more interesting to him than me. He couldn't help it, but was tuned to their conversation and spent much of the time wondering what they were saying and why, as well as fussing about her accent which kept changing.

I returned home frustrated unhappy. My lovely evening hadn't gone to plan. The time I thought I would be getting as mine, was not.

How will I communicate better so that I am clearer and so that I don't end up quite so unhappy about the way I have tried to communicate?

I guess we will have to talk things through. I guess I need to do that in both of these relationships - otherwise it won't just be the marriage that is doomed to failure!

Sir - is it me?

Submissive self

There doesn't seem to be too much to say about this week, except that this girl's emotions are a bit up and down and that she feels rather weary from a busy working week. This girl has been thinking about those emotions and about her submission.

Sir feels that this girl made a lot of progress with her submission over last weekend, quite in what way he hasn't exactly said. But for this girl it feels that it was less about spending hours in subspace and more being in a space where she was her submissive self. There are subtle differences about these two states. In subspace this girl feels not quite in control of herself, she is a little vague and vacant and struggles to make decisions because of that. In submission space, this girl feels that she has handed control over to Him but that she can function, can make decisions where they need to be made. It is more that in His presence she is the person they both want her to be. She is a submissive.

This has led this girl to think about how she is away from Sir, during the normal working week and the extent to which she can be more like this submissive person in normal life. Yesterday at a meeting,  this girl reverted back to her previous self. She spoke over someone and for that received a look which was not dissimilar to one she might have received from Sir. What is more, she felt chastised and a little ashamed, as she might if it had been Him. There was no need for her to have done what she did and she has reflected on this and other elements of that meeting. It is not about being door mat like during the meeting, she had ample opportunity to get her point across and did. But actually perhaps the person this girl feels she is while submissive, it more like the person she wishes others to see. Certainly, when sitting at her desk, getting on with work, this girl feels that she is more able to function well and to focus on her work if she acts more like her submissive self. 

When this girl thinks back to her younger days, she realises she wasn't always the person who dominates conversations, who appeared confident to others and who was overtly extrovert. Ok so she likes the sound of her own voice and always has, but previously this was only evident when in a safe situation, perhaps with friends. Gradually, the work roles this girl has performed and the way in which she has had to take control (or thought she did), at home has changed the way in which this girl behaves in a variety of places and ways. Finding her submission is making this girl reassess the person she really is and the way in which she wishes to be seen by others.

Over the weekend, this girl thought about how her mood tends to drop on Tuesdays when she knows she faces an evening with hubby. This girl and Sir discussed what she might do about this and she came up with the idea of wearing her butt plug for the evening to help her focus on who she was.  During Tuesday afternoon, this girl felt herself drop and on the way home, Sir reminded her about what she needed to do. This strategy certainly seemed to work. Immediately the plug was in place, she felt calmer and more focused on her submissive self. This in turn helped her manage the evening with hubby. It also made her feel horny for Sir, and in turn that helped her focus. 

Sir has had some other things on His mind  this week and He hasn't been able to spend so much time interacting with this girl. At times she has felt a little neglected and in the past might have had something to say to Him about this. However, this girl has tried to think through things from his point  of view and to consider His needs over her own. After all, if this girl is to be Graeme's submissive she needs not to put her own needs first for a change. 

This blog

On 21st of April it will be the 2nd anniversary of my first post. i started this blog to document a personal journey and for the first few months that was exactly what it was. i wrote what i was experiencing and pretty much no one read it. But then gradually, as i explored the submissive blogosphere and left comments, so people came here and did the same. Then after a few months i told S about this place (though he found it around the same time accidentally) and so he also read my posts. Generally speaking he found the whole thing a turn on, not surprising as i wrote more about sex than about my true feelings.

Of course i have documented the way in which my marriage has deteriorated over time. i have spoken of the pain of having to tell your husband you are unfaithful and the difficulties in helping him come to terms with both that and that the things you do with others are not something you want to share with him. As much as possible, i have tried to be honest about who i think i am and my journey to get there.

Last summer i exposed my raw pain and then my joy at finding a new kind of relationship with S. True that after last summer, i was much much more careful about what i wrote and perhaps during that time i was playing a little to the crowd (as it were)

Now though, things are different.

i told Graeme about this place within a few days of us meeting and since then He has read not only what i had previously written but everything since. He has begun to use it as a way of gauging how i am feeling about different emotions and He and i discuss what i write.

When i write now, i definitely write for me. i write about me, about my hopes, fears and definitely my feelings. i also write knowing he will read it.

Even so, i often write in the moment. When feeling particularly submissive or even in subspace. While i edit punctuation i never actually significantly change anything i write. As with me as a person, what you see is what you get.

This is a different blog post than the one i intended to write. But after my conversation with Sir this evening it seems appropriate and hey it just came to me!

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Yesterday while this girl was at Sir's house, hubby returned home here. This girl is pleased to say that she feels she handled the situation well and while she has experienced some of his usual self centred texts today she has in the main stayed firm (with help from Sir of course).

A version (not as good as this one) of this song was playing on the radio as this girl drove home from the supermarket. It made this girl think about her weekend with Sir and some of the times they spend together. Perhaps a message in a blog post?

On being the 'other' woman

This relationship is complicated by another person. He has another relationship, one of Master / slave. She in turn is in another relationship, D/s or M/s, it is quite hard to fathom out which since what is said and written are at odds.

There are plans for He and she to be together, for her to move here to the UK later this year, maybe next.

This was all known when Sir and i embarked on this thing. Everyone knew of everyone else. i chatted to her and all seemed well.

But all is not well.

She feels under threat, she feels my relationship with Him is affecting hers with Him. She likes the idea of a poly relationship, but only on her terms. I am not sure I am the person she wants as part of that.

I am a person who wears her heart on her sleeve. When I am happy, the world hears about it. My tongue becomes a little on the loose side as my chatty nature runs away with me. Nothing I have said to her has been said with any malice. Everything I have said is true to the best of my belief.

Now though I can see my words will be twisted and already to her they form a threat.

But actually her fears have nothing to do with me. They are to do with her own insecurities and her own uncertainty about their relationship. I don't know if she has any reason to be uncertain, since He and i don't discuss such things (it is none of my business anyway).

But her anxieties and fears spread to me. They fill me with doubt just when I am truly happy for the first time in a very very long time.

That makes me very sad.

I have told Graeme that I will write things on here that are important. I know He will read it. These are the reasons I have written this.